Red and Shiny
The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class
the following question, "What is bright red and shiny?"
Amden jumped up and shouted, "A fire engine !!!!???"
"No! No!" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think. Anyone
else?"
Susan replied that it was an apple and the teacher was happy except
Amden of course.
So he asked the teacher if he can ask a question to which she nodded
OK. "What is long, hard, rounded and has hair at one end? "
"Amden!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..."
Amden replied, "No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the way you think
---------------------------------------------
Confused
Amden comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating
that "Amden seems to be having some difficulty with the differences
between boys and girls, please sit down and have a talk with Amden about
this."
So Amden's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door.
- First, Amden, I want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- Ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- now take off my bra...
which he does.
- and now, Amden, please take off my panties.
and when Amden finishes removing those, she says,
"Amden, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
---------------------------------------------
Beautiful
The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to
the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is
"beautiful". Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in
a sentence?"
Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Sally, you may sit. Frankie, your turn."
Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have
ever seen."
Teacher says, "Very good, Frankie, you may sit. Amden, it's your turn."
Amden walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and
he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"
---------------------------------------------
Math Class
Amden was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked
him to answer a question.
"Amden, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one
with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Amden. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you
are thinking."
Amden said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women
eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second
biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is
married ?"
Well," said the teacher neverously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Amden, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I
like the way you are thinking.
---------------------------------------------
What is it
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bad and describe a piece of
fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Amden raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored
him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second.
It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Amden is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Amden is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The
teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Amden is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Amden!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Amden, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
---------------------------------------------
Sex
Amden was a curious guy and was always asking questions. One day, when
his aunt was visiting, he went into his typical interrogation.
Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how old are you?
Auntie: Well Amden, that's not a question that you ask a lady.
Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how much do you weigh?
Auntie: Amden! That's not a question you ask a lady.
Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, why don't you and your boyfriend sleep
in the same bed?
Auntie: Amden, stop this! That's not a question you ask a lady!
Amden went off to play but the next day he was talking to his aunt
again.
Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how old you are. You're 32 years
old.
Auntie: Amden! How do you know that?
Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how much you weigh. You're 135
pounds.
Auntie: Amden! How do you know that?
Amden: And Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. I know why you don't sleep in the
same bed as your boyfriend.
Auntie: Amden! Stop this! How do you know all this?
Amden: Well, I found your driver's license last night. Here it says
that you're 32 years old and here it says that you weigh 135 pounds. And
right down here it explains why you don't sleep in the same bed as your
boyfriend.
Auntie: Where does it say that?
Amden: Right here. It says you got an "F" in Sex.
---------------------------------------------
What are you doing
Late one night, Amden woke up to the some loud noises coming from his
parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his
parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had
ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Amden walked into the
bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked Amden.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his
son.
"I, um..., I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his
father.
Amden looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,
"Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"
---------------------------------------------
No Fighting
Amden comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father see's it and says "Amden, how many times do I have to tell
you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack
of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when she hit me!
"Amden", the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Amden came home with the other eye black
and blue.
Amden's father said, "Amden, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad" Amden said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church
saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had
her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to
me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't
like this, so I pushed it back in!"
---------------------------------------------
Big Sister
Amden was twelve years old and like other boys of his age, rather
curious. He has been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older
boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took
his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of
explaining things to him, she told him to hide behind the curtain one
night and watch his older sister and her boy friend.
This he did. The following morning he described everything to his
mother.
"Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights, and he started kissing and hugging her. I figured
sis must be getting sick because she started looking funny. He must have
thought so too because he put his hand under her blouse to feel her
heart just like a doctor would, except he's not as smart as the doctor
because he seemed to have trouble finding the heart..
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have
been cold, because he put it under her skirt. Aboout this time, sis got
worse, and began to moan and squirm around. They slid down to the end of
the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever,
because sis told him she felt really hot..
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick: A big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow.. It just jumped out of his pants and stood
there, about ten inches long. Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand
to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth
fell open. She started calling out to god and stuff like that. She said
it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the
ones down at the lake..
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit
her back, then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he
took a muzzle out of his pants pocket and slipped it over the eels head
to keep it from biting again.
Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on
it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of
a fight. Sis started graning and squealing and her boyfriend almost
upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it
between them..
After a while, they both got up and gave a great sigh, her boyfriend
got up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I know it was dead,
because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides were hanging
out..
Sis and her boyfreind were a tired from the battle, but they went to
courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing again. By Golly, the eel
wasn't dead. It jumped straight-up and started to fight again. I guess
eels are like cats... they have nine lives...
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it..
After fifty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I
know it was this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off
and flush it down the toilet..
Amden's mother fainted.
---------------------------------------------
Classroom Trivia
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the
class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and
anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following
Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand
are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are
in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, Amden decides
that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3
day weekend.
So Thursday night, Amden takes two ping-pong balls and paints them
black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's
question,"
Amden empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling
to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any
disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The
teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, Amden stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
---------------------------------------------
Not Another Word
Amden greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all
week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the
closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from
next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy
got on top of her and -"
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word!
Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him
exactly what you've just told me." The father comes home and the wife
tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaks the husband.
"Go ahead, Amden, tell Daddy just what you told me." "Well," said
Amden, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the
lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy
got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob"
---------------------------------------------
Sunday School
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Amden, "Do you know where boys and
girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," Amden replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."
---------------------------------------------
Heaven
Amden was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher
wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven
first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the girl as a boy raises his hand. He says, "I
think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Amden's
hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Amden, which
part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Amden thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him
why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night
and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm
coming!'"
---------------------------------------------
Pass or Fail
Amden missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well
during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they
give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed.
The principal agreed so they called Amden into the office, explained,
then the teacher asked,
"Amden what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Amden replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Amden, what do you have in your pants that I don't
have in my pants?"
Amden replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Amden, what is the capital of Italy?"
Amden replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong!"
---------------------------------------------
Magic Tricks
Amden has just come home from school. He goes up to his mother and says
"Mummie , Mummie we saw some magic tricks at school today, do you know
any magic tricks".
"Amden, I am busy with my domestic severitude, go and see your father,
he knows lots of tricks".
So Amden heads out the door into the garage were Amden's father is
fixing the family car.
Amden asks the same question, to which his father replies, "Fuck off
Amden, I am busy, go see your grandfather he knows lots of magic
tricks".
So Amden runs off to his grandfather places which is just down the road.
Amden asks the same question.
To which his grandfather says "Yes sure young man."
"Oh great granfather, I can't wait".
"Allright young Amden, go over to that chair, pull down your pants and
underwear."
"O.K granddad"
"Now bend over the chair...now can you feel my finger up your bottom."
"Yes grandad."
"Surprise no hands!!"
Diganam wedie machan.. But funny.. 
Kammeli Kiyawanna
