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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Jeewake" data-source="post: 606505" data-attributes="member: 18787"><img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/yes.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":yes:" title="Yes    :yes:" data-shortname=":yes:" /> Red and Shiny  The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class the following question, "What is bright red and shiny?"  Amden jumped up and shouted, "A fire engine !!!!???"  "No! No!" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think. Anyone else?"  Susan replied that it was an apple and the teacher was happy except Amden of course. So he asked the teacher if he can ask a question to which she nodded OK. "What is long, hard, rounded and has hair at one end? "  "Amden!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..."  Amden replied, "No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the way you think  ---------------------------------------------  Confused   Amden comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Amden seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, please sit down and have a talk with Amden about this."  So Amden's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.  - First, Amden, I want you to take off my blouse...  so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.  - Ok, now take off my skirt...  and he takes off her skirt.  - now take off my bra...  which he does.  - and now, Amden, please take off my panties.  and when Amden finishes removing those, she says,  "Amden, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"  --------------------------------------------- Beautiful  The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"  Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."  Teacher says, "Very good, Sally, you may sit. Frankie, your turn."  Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."  Teacher says, "Very good, Frankie, you may sit. Amden, it's your turn."  Amden walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"  --------------------------------------------- Math Class    Amden was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.  "Amden, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Amden. "'cause the rest would fly away."  "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."  Amden said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?"  Well," said the teacher neverously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"  "No," said Amden, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.  --------------------------------------------- What is it   One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.  "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bad and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."  "Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."  Of course, Amden raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."  "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."  Well, Amden is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.  "Is it a peach?"  "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."  By now Amden is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.  "A banana," she says.  "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."  Amden is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.  "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."  "Amden!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"  "Nope," answers Amden, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"  --------------------------------------------- Sex  Amden was a curious guy and was always asking questions. One day, when his aunt was visiting, he went into his typical interrogation.  Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how old are you?  Auntie: Well Amden, that's not a question that you ask a lady.  Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how much do you weigh?  Auntie: Amden! That's not a question you ask a lady.  Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, why don't you and your boyfriend sleep in the same bed?  Auntie: Amden, stop this! That's not a question you ask a lady!  Amden went off to play but the next day he was talking to his aunt again.  Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old.  Auntie: Amden! How do you know that?  Amden: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how much you weigh. You're 135 pounds.  Auntie: Amden! How do you know that?  Amden: And Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. I know why you don't sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.  Auntie: Amden! Stop this! How do you know all this?  Amden: Well, I found your driver's license last night. Here it says that you're 32 years old and here it says that you weigh 135 pounds. And right down here it explains why you don't sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.  Auntie: Where does it say that?  Amden: Right here. It says you got an "F" in Sex.  --------------------------------------------- What are you doing   Late one night, Amden woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Amden walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.  "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked Amden.  His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.  "I, um..., I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.  Amden looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"  --------------------------------------------- No Fighting  Amden comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says "Amden, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"  "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when she hit me! "Amden", the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."  Sure enough, the very next day Amden came home with the other eye black and blue.   Amden's father said, "Amden, I thought we had a talk!"  "But Dad" Amden said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"  --------------------------------------------- Big Sister   Amden was twelve years old and like other boys of his age, rather curious. He has been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to him, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boy friend.  This he did. The following morning he described everything to his mother.  "Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights, and he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand under her blouse to feel her heart just like a doctor would, except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding the heart..  I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. Aboout this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and squirm around. They slid down to the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she felt really hot..  Finally, I found out what was making them so sick: A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.  When sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started calling out to god and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake..  Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back, then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pants pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.  Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started graning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them..  After a while, they both got up and gave a great sigh, her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I know it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides were hanging out..  Sis and her boyfreind were a tired from the battle, but they went to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing again. By Golly, the eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight-up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives...  This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.. After fifty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet..  Amden's mother fainted.  --------------------------------------------- Classroom Trivia   One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.  The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, Amden decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.  So Thursday night, Amden takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Amden empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"  Immediately, Amden stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"  --------------------------------------------- Not Another Word   Amden greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -"  The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaks the husband. "Go ahead, Amden, tell Daddy just what you told me." "Well," said Amden, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob"  --------------------------------------------- Sunday School  At Sunday school, the teacher asked Amden, "Do you know where boys and girls go when they do bad things?"  "Sure," Amden replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."  --------------------------------------------- Heaven  Amden was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.  One girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."  The teacher praises the girl as a boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."  "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Amden's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Amden, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"  Amden thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.  He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"  --------------------------------------------- Pass or Fail  Amden missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed.  The principal agreed so they called Amden into the office, explained, then the teacher asked, "Amden what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"  Amden replied, "Legs."  The teacher asked, "Amden, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"  Amden replied, "Pockets."  The teacher asked, "Amden, what is the capital of Italy?"  Amden replied. "Rome."  The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"  The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong!" --------------------------------------------- Magic Tricks Amden has just come home from school. He goes up to his mother and says "Mummie , Mummie we saw some magic tricks at school today, do you know any magic tricks". "Amden, I am busy with my domestic severitude, go and see your father, he knows lots of tricks". So Amden heads out the door into the garage were Amden's father is fixing the family car. Amden asks the same question, to which his father replies, "Fuck off Amden, I am busy, go see your grandfather he knows lots of magic tricks". So Amden runs off to his grandfather places which is just down the road.Amden asks the same question. To which his grandfather says "Yes sure young man." "Oh great granfather, I can't wait". "Allright young Amden, go over to that chair, pull down your pants and underwear." "O.K granddad" "Now bend over the chair...now can you feel my finger up your bottom." "Yes grandad." "Surprise no hands!!" <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /></blockquote>

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