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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Jeewake" data-source="post: 606515" data-attributes="member: 18787"><img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/yes.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":yes:" title="Yes    :yes:" data-shortname=":yes:" />  Kicking... Amden's father wakes him up one morning and says "Amden, go feed the animals as I am late and must take a shower."Amden who is now angry gets out of bed and walks past his mother who is making breakfast in the kitchen. Amden gathers the food for the chicken, pig, and cow. First, Amden kicks the chicken and drops it's feed in its feeder. Second, Amden walks up to the pig, kicks it, and drops its slop in it's trough. Third, Amden walks up, kicks the cow, and gives the cow it's food. Meanwhile, his mother can see all of what Amden is doing from the kitchen. Amden walks back to the house and enters the kitchen. Amden's mother says, "Amden, I saw what you did and for kicking the chicken, you will have no eggs for breakfast, For kicking the pig, you will have no bacon. For kicking thecow, you will have no milk." Meanwhile, Amden's father walks down the stairs and trips over the cat and nearly falls. Amden's father walks up and kicks the cat. Amden looks at his mother and says "Should I tell him what he's not going to have or are you ??" --------------------------------------------- Wishes come true.. A few months after his parents were divorced, Amden passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Amden ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" --------------------------------------------- Mathematics Amden returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" "That's exactly what I said."  --------------------------------------------- A Present  Amden brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked. "Nope." "A Cake?" Amden shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles." "No," Amden said, "it's a puppy." ---------------------------------------------  Contagious So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says.Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious.""Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that Amden has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Amden?" she says. Amden says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny model car paintbrush,and she was going in tiny strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence." --------------------------------------------- Spoiled  Amden is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Amden points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what's that?"Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now." A few weeks later, Amden is at the zoo with his father. Amden grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Amden points to the elephant's member and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?""Yes, she told me it was nothing." "Well, your mom is spoiled, son."   --------------------------------------------- Sex Education A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.  Amden handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."   --------------------------------------------- What's A Peter Amden went out to the field for recreation period. One of the sixth grade girls asked him to come with her and play in the bushes. So Amden went along with her. When they got into a small clearing in the bushes, she asked him: "Let me see your peter". Amden responded: "What's a peter?"She said: "Well if you don't know what a peter is, I don't want to play with you anymore". After school, Amden was quite shaken. His father came home from work. Amden asked his dad "Dad, whats a peter?" His dad unziped his pants and pulled it out. He said: "Son, this is a peter, and its a PERFECT peter!". Amden went to school the next morning, and when break to recreation came around, he found the same young girl. He asked her: "Would you like to play in the bushes. I know what a peter is!" She agreed, so they went back to the clearing in the bushes. Amden unziped his pants and wipped it out. And he said "Now, This is a peter, and if it was an inch shorter it would be a PERFECT peter!!!". ---------------------------------------------  Theory and Reality  Amden comes home with a homework paper to do. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference between theory and reality. His dad sez, "Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Amden does as he is told, and Mom sez, "Well, yes, I suppose I would." His dad then sez, "Now go ask your big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Amden does this too, and Sis sez, "Yes, I suppose I would."  Amden and his dad then sit down, and Dad sez, "Now son, you've learned the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."   --------------------------------------------- Two New Words Amden comes home from school one day and his mother says "Hi Amden, what did you learn in school today?" Amden: "I learned 2 new words but don't know what they mean"Mom: "OK, tell me what they are and I'll see if I can help"Amden: "Well, the first word was 'pussy'"Mom: "hmmm. well Amden, you know our kitty cat?"Amden: "yea"Mom: "well that's a pussy"Amden: "oh, I see" Mom: "what was the second word?"Amden: "the second word was 'bitch'"The mother thinks for a while and says to Amden "That's not important, now you run outside and play" A few hours later the father pulls in the drive and sees Amden playing. He asks, "Hi Amden, what did you do in school today?" Amden : "I learned 2 new words but I'm not sure what they mean"Dad: "Tell me what they are and I'll tell you what they mean"Amden: "The first word is 'pussy'Dad: "Well Amden, have you ever seen your mom come out of the shower?"Amden: "yea"Dad: "Did you notice the patch of hair between her legs?"Amden: "yea"Dad: "Well if you were to draw a circle around that patch of hair, that would be the pussy. Everything inside the circle is the pussy" Amden: "oh, I see"Dad: "What was the second word?"Amden: "Bitch"Dad: "Well remember the circle? Everything outside the circle is the bitch!" ---------------------------------------------  Nice Lady  Amden is walking outside, and the neighbor lady says "Hi, Amden", and she wiggles her pinky at him. Every day she does this. Finally, Amden asks just what is with this pinky business? She says, "That's the size of your pecker." Amden says, "Well that isn't very nice. After all, I don't go around saying 'Nice Lady'", as he stretches his mouth super wide open with his fingers. --------------------------------------------- Christmas Time Christmas was coming up, and Dirty Amden's parents asked him what he wanted. Dirty Amden said "I want a fuckin' baseball." His parents are shocked at his language, and send him to his room. Next day, his parents ask him what he wants, and he says "I want a fuckin' toy truck." This keeps up as Christmas nears. On Christmas, his parents are fed up with him, and instead of gifts, they put piles of shit under the tree, one for every time he cussed. Amden gets up, finds the shit, and looks all over for anything else, but can't find anything. His friend calls him up, and asks him what he got, and he says, "I haven't been able to find it yet, but I think I got a fuckin' puppy." ---------------------------------------------  Getting Married Amden (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Amden so they ask Amden, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Amden answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..." ---------------------------------------------  You will not have this for a month... Amden, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying Amden. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Amden pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Amden's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started currying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Amden's mother looked up to find Amden and his father standing there watching her. To which Amden said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?" --------------------------------------------- Little girls Amden came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?""No," said his mom, "of course not."Amden then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" --------------------------------------------- Station A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her Amden playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddam train 'cause we're leaving." The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language".  Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us againsoon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin'bitch in the kitchen!" --------------------------------------------- Rock Hard! Amden took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall. "Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad. "It's not a nail," said Amden. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock." Amden showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota." So little Amden handed the test tube over. The next day, when Amden got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car. "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother." --------------------------------------------- Politics Amden came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" Amden said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said." Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Amden was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed. The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.""Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" Amden thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."<img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /> <img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/lol.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":lol:" title="LOL    :lol:" data-shortname=":lol:" /></blockquote>

Verification: Hath warak paha keeyada? (hatha wadikireema paha)

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