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Message: <blockquote data-quote="dj gamaya" data-source="post: 12480896" data-attributes="member: 61857">From Bride's PerspectiveThe  concept of arranged marriages has changed. And, not just for men. As a  woman, ideally, your life partner should be someone with whom you can  share interests and who will encourage your independence. As with any  relationship, friendship is the key. Good communication from the  beginning will help ensure that yours is a lasting, loving partnership.Let's take a look at how to go about looking for these characteristics in the context of an arranged marriage. New avatarsArranged marriages are not like they were. It is now more like  meeting someone through your family or like being set up for a blind  date. Parents or friends introduce the couple and let them talk via  phone or email, meet a couple of times, and then ask for a decision. If  the couple says No, it's a No. However, when parents are involved, there  will inevitably be some pressure as they can't help but give their  opinion and advice. These days, couples often initiate the  dialogue themselves, through matrimonial sites (as parents may not be  familiar with computers) and end up being the ones introducing each  other to their parents. Call it an 'arranged introduction', as the  choice is solely left to the couple.Another difference is that it is no longer only the guy who decides  first. Girls have an equal prerogative to do so. Also, as women are now  more career-oriented and financially independent, they are usually not  in a hurry.What are you looking for? The first thing to keep in mind is to make a list (at least  mentally) of attributes you would want in your life partner, so you can  focus better on your search. Depending upon your preferences, some  factors that might be taken into consideration (not necessarily in this  order) are -- job, salary, educational qualifications, appearance  (looks, height, weight, etc.), caste, horoscope, values (traditional,  liberal or moderate), habits (drinking, smoking, etc.), location, family  background, social standing, etc.Inform your parentsIt's best to spell out any preferences beforehand, so your parents can  search accordingly and the list can be narrowed down. This way, you will  save your parents' time as well.Meeting your 'could-be'Deciding to marry someone is one of the most important decisions of your  life. If you are confused, unsure or awkward, don't fret -- so is the  other person. Just a few things you can keep in mind when you meet your  could-be significant other:Dos: Wear something that is both flattering and comfortable. Try meeting  away from relatives. Choose a neutral venue like a coffee shop. Pretend  that you are on a blind date and try to enjoy yourself. Don'ts: Don't approach the meeting with the mindset that you have to  marry this person. Don't think you'll be sure to hate him either. Before, during, and after Before meeting, try getting in touch with the person over the phone or  through e-mail to prepare you, to some extent, for what to expect.  During the meeting, keep an open mindset. Relax and just be yourself.  Don't hesitate to discuss important issues. Afterwards, think calmly and  give yourself time to assess. Although this meeting may not indicate if  this is 'the' person you should marry, it can certainly tell you  whether you want to get to know the person better and take a step  forward.If, at any time during the meeting, you realise it won't work, keep your  cool, be polite, and try to keep it as short as possible. Trusting your  gut feeling is the most important -- if you feel something is not  right, it probably is not. Ask away!It's perfectly okay to ask any questions you have in mind. But remember,  timing is the key. For example, it can be outright insulting and  offensive if the very first question is 'How much do you earn, both net  and gross?'Sometimes, information is not offered voluntarily and one hesitates to  ask. But, if the answer to a question is important in taking matters  further, there is no harm in asking. Maybe the person you ask will feel  offended. But, when you are taking such an important decision, you have  to take that risk. Isn't it better that they feel bad now, rather than  you feeling worse later? General questions that could be asked once you get familiar:*Are you ready for marriage?*How would you describe yourself?*How do you like to spend your free time?*How do you feel about sm0king and/or drinking?*What are you looking for in a spouse?*How much time do you want to decide?*What are your preferences, in terms of food (non-vegetarian or vegetarian)?*How do you feel about pets?*What is your family like?*What are your likes and dislikes?*How do you act when you get upset?*How often will we visit our extended family (if staying apart from them)?*Do you believe in sharing housework?*Appropriate questions on the profession front:*What are your future career plans? *How much time do you spend at work?*Are you looking for a working wife, housewife, or is it immaterial to you?*What would we do in the situation that I get transferred?Background researchAlthough researching the boy's background might seem painstaking, it is very important.The difficulty of researching goes up a notch when the boy is abroad,  especially if you don't have any friends/relatives to help you out  there. This was the case with one girl, who married an NRI in the US  only to discover, when she got there, that he had a live-in American  girlfriend. Thus, it would be wise to make discreet inquiries outside with the help  of relatives and friends, with respect to his job, family background,  age, education, habits, financial condition, medical history, lifestyle,  etc. You can get an employer verification to find out if he is working there  or not. Definitely check the visa status. You may also ask for a proof  of employment letter, request a medical test, etc. Try calling  discreetly at an odd hour to see who picks up the phone at night. You  can hire a detective to do a background check (this is expensive,  however). If you have friends and family abroad, ask them to meet him  and find out more. Additionally, communicate regularly through email, phone, chat, etc. to get a better idea about the person. Previous relationships These days, it is not uncommon at all to have had a previous  relationship. If my partner had a previous relationship, I would try and  be reasonable and objective about it. It depends on many factors like  the type of relationship, duration, feelings, etc. As long as it is a  thing of the past and he is now committed to his marriage, I would  probably not mind.However, finding out about a potential partner's previous sexual history  is next to impossible. Asking such personal questions will seem too  embarrassing. Arranged marriages involve the whole family and private  information coming out in the open could have severe repercussions, so  some may not openly disclose this aspect. A medical checkup? Both partners getting a blood test is absolutely a must. If the  boy's side feels offended, help by telling them that you are convinced  about getting it done yourself too. Actually, it is difficult for the  girl or the girl's side to ask this, but I wish every person going  through an arranged marriage would have the courage to insist on such  tests. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry.There are cases where, out of hesitation, marriages have taken place  without such insistence, based solely on the goodwill of the family. The  boys have been discovered to be HIV-positive later. A blood test should be made compulsory for couples before marriage.  Today, more boys and girls are choosing to go together to a clinic and  get the test done before marriage. Some experts advise on making a  thalassemia test mandatory before marriage too, for couples in  high-incidence states, on the lines of the Goa Government's plan for  compulsory pre-matrimony HIV screening. Is he the one? Finally, there should be mutual consent and understanding from  both sides; only then can a marriage be sustained. It is important that  you like your prospective partner enough to marry him. Good arranged  marriages occur when the parents support and help their children find  life partners.Ubalata wadagath wei kiyala hithuna nisa damma<img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/yes.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":yes:" title="Yes    :yes:" data-shortname=":yes:" /><img src="/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/default/rofl.gif"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":rofl:" title="ROFL    :rofl:" data-shortname=":rofl:" /></blockquote>

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