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Message: <blockquote data-quote="nagaya" data-source="post: 7859740" data-attributes="member: 23839">Engineering vs Math MajorsA math and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both math majors and engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her own train ticket. But the Engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.Then, one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the engineers piled into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the math majors. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Tickets Please". An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid.On the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the engineers, who had NO tickets amongst them.When the engineer lookout shouted, "Conductor coming!", all the engineers again piled into a bathroom. All of the math majors went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."Definition of a Chemical EngineerCHEMICAL ENGINEER: n. A person who does for profit what a chemist does for fun. see also "Prostitution"Q: What is the difference between a chemist and a chemical engineer?A: Oh, about $10 K a year.THE BOY AND THE FROGA boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineering major. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER...If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinnerIf you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movieIf you want an 500X CD-ROM for ChristmasIf Dilbert is your heroIf you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATEIf you can name 6 Star Trek episodes (bonus points if you have more than 6 recorded on video tape).If the only jokes you receive are through e-mailIf your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right placeIf you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toysIf you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby carIf you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ductsIf, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the stringIf you window shop at Radio ShackIf your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuraciesIf you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work areaIf you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to runIf you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachmentIf you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer isIf you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor drivenIf you know the direction the water swirls when you flushIf you own "Official Star Trek" anythingIf you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's insideIf a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better receptionIf you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair projectIf you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactorIf you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirtsIf you have never backed-up your hard driveIf you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loudIf you truly believe aliens are living among usIf you have ever saved the power cord from a broken applianceIf you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"If you see a good design and still have to change itIf the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questionsIf you still own a slide rule and you know how to work itIf the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mindIf you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they areIf you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tiresIf you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoalIf you have more toys than your kidsIf you need a checklist to turn on the TVIf you have introduced your kids by the wrong nameIf you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they workIf your I.Q. number is bigger than your weightIf the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you shove up to the front to fix itIf you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversaryIf you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows alreadyIf you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands forIf your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normalIf you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to useIf you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwritingIf people groan at the party when you pick out the musicIf you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this weekIf you did the sound system for your senior promIf your checkbook always balancesIf your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephoneIf you have more friends on the Internet than in real lifeIf you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllersIf you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleepIf you spend more on your home computer than your carIf you know what http:// stands for (bonus points if you actually care)If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radioIf you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garageIf your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theoryIf your lap-top computer costs more than your carIf your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. ChocolateJob InterviewReaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"And the HR Person said, "Of course, ...but you started it.""High Tech" Management SkillsA young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?""Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."A Programmer and an EngineerA programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angelos to New York. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I pay you $5."Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says "Ok, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!"This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question: "What is the distance from the Earth to the moon?"The engineer doesn’t say a word, but simply reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the programmer. Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with the modem and searches the net and the library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his coworkers - all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. He politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what’s the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.Engineering Pick-up Lines    * I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.    * You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.    * Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.    * My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.    * Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.    * Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 1000 Mhz Pentium VII?    * How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?    * You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.    * You're sweeter than glucose.    * We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.    * Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?    * Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?    * Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.    * Isn't your e-mail address <a href="mailto:beautifulgirl@mydreams.com">beautifulgirl@mydreams.com</a>    * You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!If Dr. Seuss did Technical WritingIf a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash,and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.If the label on the cable on the table at your house,says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,then you may as well reboot it and go out with a bang,'cause as sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang.When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,and you have to flash your memory and you want to RAM your ROM,quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.Thermodynamics and Couch PotatoesAs we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average desser tportion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamiclaw, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.[ed: This joke is based on the fact that scientists/engineers use one definition for calorie based on J/g (4.184 Joules), while nutritionists like to define their calories as J/kg (4184 Joules). Go figure. more info. ]An old Engineering JokeAn engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle."Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."If God were an Engineer...A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of the God, and who designed women.The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground. "</blockquote>

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