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Message: <blockquote data-quote="nagaya" data-source="post: 7859743" data-attributes="member: 23839">Why Engineers Make the Best Lovers10. - The world does revolve around us... we choose the coordinate system.9. - No "couple" enjoy a better "moment".8. - We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.7. - We have significant figures.6. - EK301: The motion of rigid bodies.5. - Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?4. - Engineers do it to specification.3. - According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite.2. - We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.1. - WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE!An Engineer in HellAn engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"The Sensitivity of the Technical MindA pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"The pastor said, "Hey here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."[dramatic pause]"Hi George. Say what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group was silent for a moment.The pastor said, "That's so sad, I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"StrandedThere was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life.A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank.""Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?""It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did.""Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?""I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman (who was a mechanical engineer). "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"."But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?""Oh, no problem," replied the woman (who was also a geologist), "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed."" I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron," said the woman (who was also an accomplished metallurgist). "I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach."Well, let's row over to my place,"she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.The woman (who was also a bodybuilder) easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white (she was also a civil engineer and an architect)."It's not much, " she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please, would you like to have a drink?""No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke.""It won't be coconut juice," said the woman (who was, of course, also a chemical engineer, experienced in brewing and distillation), "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?"Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?""No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship"."Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism (as you've probably guessed, she had a degree in Industrial Design as well). The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs."You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenia."Tell me," she said, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now?""Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me.... Can I check my email from here?"Srong and dumb artsie vs. an EngineerAn artsie, sick of working at Mickey D's for what had seemed an eternitude decided to get a job working as a labourer at a construction site. Being a usual overconfident artsie, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. One day he decided to brag that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the wiry engineer on the site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough."Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the engineer. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, little guy!" the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."The engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right: Get in."Engineer to the RescueThere was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who has solved so many of their problems in the past.The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for this service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.The engineer responded briefly:    * One chalk mark $1    * Knowing where to put it $49,999It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.Civil Engineers vs. Mechanical EngineersWhat is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.The Architect and his MistressAn architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for and enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The engineer said, "I like both.""Both?"Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."Christmas in an Engineer's MindThere are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times he normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.Merry Christmas.The Doctor, Chemisist and Engineer in a Bit of A Bad SpotOnce upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?""Head up," said the doctor."Blindfold or no blindfold?""No blindfold."So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine."Head up or head down?" said the executioner."Head up.""Blindfold or no blindfold?""No blindfold."So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine."Head up or head down?""Head up.""Blindfold or no blindfold?""No blindfold."So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:"WAIT! I see what the problem is!"Excerpt from a Romance Novel written by an EngineerAlso known as "The Sex Life of an Electron" (author unknown)One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Henry decided to try to get a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his Mega cycle. They rode across the Wheatstone bridge, around by the sine wave, and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.Micro Henry, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field was fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted his probe into her test socket, connected them in paralell, and began to short circuit her shunt.Fully excited Millie Amp exclaimed, "Mho, mho, mho." With his tube operating at it's maximum peak current and her coil vibrating from the current flow, she soon reached her maximum peak potential. The excess current flow had gotten her coil hot and Micro Henry started rapidly discharging and soon had drained off every last electron.They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets, until Micro Henry's bar magnet had lost all of it's field strength. Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoid. With his batteries fully discharged, Micro Henry was unable to further excite his generator, so they ended it all by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.Wisdom from AboveA man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.""You must be an engineer," says the balloonist."I am," replies the man. "How did you know?""Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."The man below says, "You must be in management.""I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?""Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."</blockquote>

Verification: Haya warak paha keeyada? (haya wadi kireema paha)

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