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Six classic affairs
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<blockquote data-quote="ewmdyn" data-source="post: 655723" data-attributes="member: 32804"><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Red">The 1st Affair: </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed">A married man was having an affair with his secretary </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed">One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed">The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed">He put on his shoes and drove home. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed">"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed">"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed">"You lying !</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkRed">You've been playing golf!" </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Red">The 2nd Affair:</span> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen">A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen">They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen">The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen">The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen">He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen">He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen">Have you been fooling around behind my back?" </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkGreen">The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Red">The 3rd Affair: </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy">A mortician was working late one night. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy">He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy">largest private part he had ever seen! </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy">"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy">It must be saved for posterity." </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy">So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy">"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Navy">"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Red">The 4th Affair: </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">No more was said, not even when they went to bed.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Purple">damned thing" </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Red">The 5th Affair: </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">"One Cent?" the man thought. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">"A nickel," the barman replied. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">The bartender replied, </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Magenta">"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: Red">The 6th Affair: </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkSlateGray">Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkSlateGray"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkSlateGray">He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkSlateGray"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkSlateGray">"There's no need to," his wife replied.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkSlateGray"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkSlateGray">"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkSlateGray"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="color: DarkSlateGray">"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work." </span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ewmdyn, post: 655723, member: 32804"] [SIZE="5"][FONT="Garamond"][COLOR="Red"]The 1st Affair: [/COLOR] [COLOR="DarkRed"]A married man was having an affair with his secretary One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." "You lying ! You've been playing golf!" [/COLOR] [COLOR="Red"]The 2nd Affair:[/COLOR] [COLOR="DarkGreen"]A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"[/COLOR] [COLOR="Red"]The 3rd Affair: [/COLOR] [COLOR="Navy"]A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"[/COLOR] [COLOR="Red"]The 4th Affair: [/COLOR] [COLOR="Purple"]A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing" [/COLOR] [COLOR="Red"]The 5th Affair: [/COLOR] [COLOR="Magenta"]A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."[/COLOR] [COLOR="Red"]The 6th Affair: [/COLOR] [COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work." [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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