The Jokes thread

sld

Member
Aug 30, 2006
8,479
2
0
LA, California
Let's have an official jokes thread. Please post your best jokes. :yes: Thanks :yes:

Let me start....

Subject: Nuclear Energy

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger.
So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it
slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I
don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK,"
says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow
turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he
replies,
"I haven't the
slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know $h!t?"
 

sld

Member
Aug 30, 2006
8,479
2
0
LA, California
All right here's more....

HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.

WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam!

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
Polaroids.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho Cheese.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quattro Sinko.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.

WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the dirt bag.

WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because he's wearing his belt buckle on his hat.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, "damn." A bad skydiver goes "damn," whack.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.