Jesus
Jesus was just like any other regular kid growing up, he enjoyed spending long hours in the temple talking to himself while kids chucked grapes at his head and his own parents wished he would just get hit by an ox cart. Even at a young age, he would speak in metaphors. Much like the Founding Fathers of America, Jesus refused to explain what the right to bear arms meant, and also repeatedly questioned what a sub-machine gun was in a feeble attempt to dodge the question. Jesus also played sports growing up, such as Jesusball, Jesustag, and everyones favorite Marko Jesus. Before playing all of these games Jesus would just run around in circles chasing his extra penis that he thought was a tail. Apparently, he had quite the complex with being the center of attention which would lead to a huge marketing scheme.
Claiming at ten to be the savior of mankind Jesus began marketing his W.W.J.D. (What Would Jesus Do) bracelets to younger unsuspecting children. Unfortunately, most of his customers were subsequently beaten when they told their fathers and mothers they spent three silver pieces on some ten year old's bracelets. Jesus also tried to sell Christmas trees and Easter bunnies during most holiday seasons, but everyone in Bethlehem was a Grinch and told him to get a job, so he did
Like most destructive liberals, Jesus decided to disobey The Man, and broke just about every standard set during the time period. He aligned himself with twelve gangsters and lowlifes, or as he preferred, "disciples" such as a conniving tax collector, some lazy fishers, and a man who he knew would ultimately betray him to his death (not because of the precognitive thing, mind you -- the guy actually said so openly, on many occasions). Jesus also refused to stone people for petty crimes, wore open-toed sandals, and talked to women. Obviously being such a rebel gained him quite the reputation among Arab Drug Lords, and there was a bounty of thirty silver pieces on his head. Nevertheless, it is believed that the main reason for why he opposed stoning people for petty crimes was because he wanted to collect those rocks to suit his greater goal (completed in 543 B.C.): help the Mayans build their pyramids. Needless to say, Jesus was not as bright as many people said he was. With these twelve followers Jesus began to monopolize his construction industry and his "career" as an architect of triangular modernity took off.
Jesus said one day that Judas was going to betray him and everybody was confused. Judas explained that with Jesus out of the picture he could hire the Russian Mafia to brutally rape the rest of them and then have complete control over Jesus's merchandise. Judas then left cackling and saying how he would never regret this. Jesus then told John to snap a picture of this because it was a Kodak moment, he also told him to address a letter to Dan Brown and tell him not to go overboard on the sequels cause they're only gonna get worse. Finally, Jesus gave his final address. He told John and Peter to beware the three Antichrists : Rosie O'Donnell, Squidward Tentacles, and Ronald Wilson Reagan(666). He told the other nine disciples to screw off and get lost cause they were all gonna die in a gang war.
The Roman goblins got a little cocky and decided that instead of doing the honorable thing to a level 80 mage, stoning him, they would instead murder him on a cross which would subsequently become his biggest marketing ploy yet. They nailed him to it, killed him, and then threw him into a tomb. But just ask Gandalf, and he'll tell you that that's not the way you kill a mage.
Some
conspiracy nuts think that crucifixion was an
inside job. Some
Conspiracy theorist say that
Judas betrayed Jesus. According to these conspiracy theorists, Judas was bribed by the Sanhedrin or maybe the
CIA.
Using his mage powers Jesus came back to life and everyone cowered behind their desks like five year olds. Jesus said he was tired and would need a few thousand years to recharge his mage powers but that he would be back. He hung Judas and framed it as suicide and then floated into heaven on a marshmallow cloud.
Since Jesus was the Son of God and savior of the Earth, the guy could very well have had whatever girl he wanted, and he had four wrapped around his finger from the get-go. But I guess he just wanted those 12 disciples. What ever floats his boat, you know? He was extremely skilled in the art of seduction as well, yet he never slept with a woman! Why was this? There are two possibilities: 1. He told John to erase that part because it wasn't very holy. 2. He was part of the homosexual agenda. Note: Some scholars have thrown out the idea that he may have had a small wang and bragged about saving the soul's of damned to compensate for it, but I don't know too many level 80 mages that don't hold the magic stick. Obviously, with reality's liberal bias one would assume that just like Spongebob, Frodo, and The Jonas Brothers, Jesus is trying to slap all regular guys in the face with his blatant homosexuality. After all he palled around with twelve sweaty guys all day for half of his life, that's only normal for years 8-12. Just because Jesus was gay though does not defeat the Conservative outlook that all gays are evil, and this article would like to encourage Fox News to continue to report on how Spongebob is brainwashing your child to destroy marriage.
source - Uncyclopedia
so what u r saying is dat the churches around da world and in SL are teaching the children what is in the BIBLE ???
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pope did that
