මචංලා උබල ලගත් තියෙන මේ වගේ පොඩි පොඩි ආතල් කතා මේකෙ දාහල්ලා. මේ මං ලග තියෙන ඒවා,, කියවල බලන්න මතක ඇතුව ඉංග්රීසි ඒවා විතරක් දාමු මෙතන 
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I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kanna Swami.
I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said, "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA. I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter.
"The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked, 'What is your name?'
He replied, 'Kannaswami.'
"Then she looked at me and asked, 'What's your name?'
"I said, 'Sem Ting.'"
I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said, "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA. I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter.
"The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked, 'What is your name?'
He replied, 'Kannaswami.'
"Then she looked at me and asked, 'What's your name?'
"I said, 'Sem Ting.'"
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Duck a Fuck
This one is epic!!
* 
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price.
The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.
He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road.
They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it.
When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made.
He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
This one is epic!!
* A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price.
The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.
He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road.
They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it.
When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made.
He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
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A sick woman was lying on her sick bed with her husband by her side, She turns to the husband and said
WIFE : Honey, I have a confession to make....
HUSBAND : Save your strength my dear!
WIFE : [Cuts in] Nooo, I want to say it so that when I die my spirit will be at rest. I have been stealing your money and giving it to my boyfriend, You're not the father of our son Junior, I was the one who stole your gold wrist watch and hide it in your sister's bag so that you'll drive her away..
Please forgive me
HUSBAND : I know all this, that's why I poisoned you. Keep calm Let the poison work....
WIFE : Honey, I have a confession to make....
HUSBAND : Save your strength my dear!
WIFE : [Cuts in] Nooo, I want to say it so that when I die my spirit will be at rest. I have been stealing your money and giving it to my boyfriend, You're not the father of our son Junior, I was the one who stole your gold wrist watch and hide it in your sister's bag so that you'll drive her away..
Please forgive me
HUSBAND : I know all this, that's why I poisoned you. Keep calm Let the poison work....
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At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn't go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions .
The priest asked the woman,
"Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
Here lies the best part
The woman replied politely, "Father..... I can't hear anything from the back....so i moved to the front seats".
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Sam who during a vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room. One for his wife and one for himself.
After massaging Sam for a while, the Thai girl said, "Massage pinis".
Sam felt awkward, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.
The Thai masseur again said, "Massage pinis."
There was silence, yet again ...
Finally, his wife spoke... "Don't raise your hopes, ... She's telling you "Massage finish!"
After massaging Sam for a while, the Thai girl said, "Massage pinis".
Sam felt awkward, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.
The Thai masseur again said, "Massage pinis."
There was silence, yet again ...
Finally, his wife spoke... "Don't raise your hopes, ... She's telling you "Massage finish!"
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A highly successful MD of MNC was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man-
"Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the MD said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree".
"Bring them along," the MD replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and three children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the MD answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the MD and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The MD replied,
"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high...!"
*Lesson :*
*Never trust Higher Management.*
They will go to any extreme to finish their job.
And there is none like a *KIND* Management.
Dedicated to all corporate employees
Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man-
"Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the MD said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree".
"Bring them along," the MD replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and three children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the MD answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the MD and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The MD replied,
"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high...!"
*Lesson :*
*Never trust Higher Management.*
They will go to any extreme to finish their job.
And there is none like a *KIND* Management.
Dedicated to all corporate employees
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The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged ￡5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still ￡5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, the man asked Valerie to sign a receipt that she had received ￡15000. She was astonished nevertheless signed on the receipt and said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row and for sure this is the first time anyone has asked me to sign a receipt. Where are you from?”
The man replied, “Edinburgh.”
“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”
“I know.” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver you ￡15,000 inheritance in person.”
Two things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Being screwed by a lawyer.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged ￡5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still ￡5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, the man asked Valerie to sign a receipt that she had received ￡15000. She was astonished nevertheless signed on the receipt and said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row and for sure this is the first time anyone has asked me to sign a receipt. Where are you from?”
The man replied, “Edinburgh.”
“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”
“I know.” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver you ￡15,000 inheritance in person.”
Two things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Being screwed by a lawyer.
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The drunk bus driver and the priest died on the same day. They both stand in front of the gates of paradise. God decides one of them to paradise and second one to hell. As a result, the drunk bus driver goes to heaven, and to hell - a priest. The priest naturally did not like it, he went to God, to find out what such injustice.
Priest: " God, I've served you faithfully all my life, I have been preaching, why am I going to hell, and this alcoholic driver to heaven?
God: "Are you saying served me?" When you were preaching, everyone in your church was asleep, and when this driver was driving the bus, everyone in the cabin was praying!
Priest: " God, I've served you faithfully all my life, I have been preaching, why am I going to hell, and this alcoholic driver to heaven?
God: "Are you saying served me?" When you were preaching, everyone in your church was asleep, and when this driver was driving the bus, everyone in the cabin was praying!
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After a morning walk, a group of doctors was standing at a road-side restaurant enjoying a cup of tea.
Then they saw a man limping towards them.
One doctor said he has Arthritis in his Left Knee
The second said he has Plantar Faciitis
The third said, just an Ankle Sprain
...The fourth said, see that man cannot lift his knee, he looks to have Lower Motor Neurons
But to me he seems a Hemiplegia Scissors Gait, said the fifth.
Before the sixth could proclaim his diagnosis, the man reached the group and asked,
”Is there a cobbler nearby who can repair my slipper?"
This is exactly how the Experts talk on Social Media & Television these days..!!
Husband: 'I must say that you are very pretty to be a waitress. Can I know your name please..?'
Waitress: 'That is very nice of you, sir. My name is Isabella.'
Husband: 'Nice name..!'
Wife: 'Honey, why don't you tell her about the erectile dysfunction that you suffer from...?'
Husband: 'Right, honey..! I don't know how I forgot my manners.'
Wife: 'Happens...!'
Husband: 'Isabella, let me introduce you to the erectile dysfunction that I suffer from. This is my wife Julie.'
Then they saw a man limping towards them.
One doctor said he has Arthritis in his Left Knee
The second said he has Plantar Faciitis
The third said, just an Ankle Sprain
...The fourth said, see that man cannot lift his knee, he looks to have Lower Motor Neurons
But to me he seems a Hemiplegia Scissors Gait, said the fifth.
Before the sixth could proclaim his diagnosis, the man reached the group and asked,
”Is there a cobbler nearby who can repair my slipper?"
This is exactly how the Experts talk on Social Media & Television these days..!!
Husband: 'I must say that you are very pretty to be a waitress. Can I know your name please..?'
Waitress: 'That is very nice of you, sir. My name is Isabella.'
Husband: 'Nice name..!'
Wife: 'Honey, why don't you tell her about the erectile dysfunction that you suffer from...?'
Husband: 'Right, honey..! I don't know how I forgot my manners.'
Wife: 'Happens...!'
Husband: 'Isabella, let me introduce you to the erectile dysfunction that I suffer from. This is my wife Julie.'
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A rich man and poor man are at a bar, the rich man turns to the poor man, 'it's my 10 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday.' The poor man looks astonished, 'It's my 20 year wedding anniversary on Thursday! What are you planning on getting her?' The rich man goes, 'I'm getting her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz.' The poor man, looking confused, asks, 'why both? Isn't one or the other surely enough?' The rich man responds, 'well, I figure if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has a nice car. What are you getting your wife?' The poor man looks down, 'I'm getting her a pair of slippers and a dildo.' The rich man is taken aback, 'slippers and a dildo, that's an odd combination?' The poor man looks up, 'Well, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.'
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Once a Project Manager was travelling by train from Mumbai to Bangalore!
When the train started, He was traveling alone in the AC-I coupe.
Some time later, a Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite berth!
Manager was pleasantly Happy
The lady kept smiling at him...
This made him even more Happier
Then she went and sat next to him....
he was bubbling with Joy
She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear...
"Hand over all your cash, cards and mobile phone to me , else I will shout loudly and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me"
Manager stared blankly at her
He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I am sorry, I can not hear or speak... Please write on this paper whatever you want to say"
The lady wrote everything what she said earlier and gave it to him!
Manager took her note, kept it nicely in his pocket...
got up and told her in clear tones...
*Now shout & scream !!*
Moral of the story :
*DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*
When the train started, He was traveling alone in the AC-I coupe.
Some time later, a Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite berth!
Manager was pleasantly Happy
The lady kept smiling at him...
This made him even more Happier
Then she went and sat next to him....
he was bubbling with Joy
She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear...
"Hand over all your cash, cards and mobile phone to me , else I will shout loudly and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me"
Manager stared blankly at her
He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I am sorry, I can not hear or speak... Please write on this paper whatever you want to say"
The lady wrote everything what she said earlier and gave it to him!
Manager took her note, kept it nicely in his pocket...
got up and told her in clear tones...
*Now shout & scream !!*
Moral of the story :
*DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*
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Once a man goes to a shop to buy parrot.
He asks the shop owner price of the Parr ot:
Shop owner: Rs. 500
Customer: Why so costly?
Shop owner: He knows, *Word, Excel and Power Point*
Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?
Shop owner: Rs. 1000
as it knows *Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming*
Customer: How nice and what's the price of this parrot, which is sleeping?
Shop owner: That's for Rs. 5000
Customer: And what does it know?
Shop owner: That I don't know, I haven't seen him do anything, but the other two parrots call him boss.
*Awesome truth*
He asks the shop owner price of the Parr ot:
Shop owner: Rs. 500
Customer: Why so costly?
Shop owner: He knows, *Word, Excel and Power Point*
Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?
Shop owner: Rs. 1000
as it knows *Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming*
Customer: How nice and what's the price of this parrot, which is sleeping?
Shop owner: That's for Rs. 5000
Customer: And what does it know?
Shop owner: That I don't know, I haven't seen him do anything, but the other two parrots call him boss.
*Awesome truth*
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One man entered HDFC bank with a gun and 2 lakh rupees. On entering itself he shot a bullet in the air and shouted. "If someone tries to move from their seats and try to convince me for any Investment plan or SIP or Trading Account or RD or mutual fund...I'll start firing.. I came here just to deposit my money in my account." ....
That's it
That's it
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Alexa, I am feeling to have sex.
Alexa : most certainly you are. Don't worry. I dimming the lights. Setting your ac to 22 degrees.
The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.
I have hired your favourite Thai massager. She is just 12 minutes away as per her uber ride status.
I have scheduled her 5k payment from your credit card 2 hours from now.
I have checked your wife's GPS and she is in big bazaar lower parel buying groceries. As per her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will take at least 2 more hours plus considering Google maps traffic, more 1 hour to reach home.
Enjoy your sex. And yes, your condom is in the pull out drawer of living room and the key to that drawer is in your wallet.
This is the last condom, so have added condoms to your Amazon cart....
�
This is called true Artificial Intelligence.....Enjoy!!
Alexa : most certainly you are. Don't worry. I dimming the lights. Setting your ac to 22 degrees.
The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.
I have hired your favourite Thai massager. She is just 12 minutes away as per her uber ride status.
I have scheduled her 5k payment from your credit card 2 hours from now.
I have checked your wife's GPS and she is in big bazaar lower parel buying groceries. As per her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will take at least 2 more hours plus considering Google maps traffic, more 1 hour to reach home.
Enjoy your sex. And yes, your condom is in the pull out drawer of living room and the key to that drawer is in your wallet.
This is the last condom, so have added condoms to your Amazon cart....
�This is called true Artificial Intelligence.....Enjoy!!
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Cunning wife and a usual husband
Wife: listen, shall we go to the circus ?
,
Husband : No......... I m busy..
Wife : it seems there's a girl riding on a lion without clothes ...!!!!!
Husband : you have become very stubborn .... in everything you want to be stubborn .....
okay ..let's go ..anyway i've not seen a lion for a long time ....!!!!!
The rest of the story ...
Husband & wife went to the circus. Husband even bought front row seats ...
Lion show started ....and also got over ...but no girl without clothes. Soon, the entire Circus show was over...
Husband : you told me there is a show where a girl comes without clothes?
Wife : i said a lion without clothes, not girl ........
I swear you will read it again..
Wife: listen, shall we go to the circus ?
,
Husband : No......... I m busy..
Wife : it seems there's a girl riding on a lion without clothes ...!!!!!
Husband : you have become very stubborn .... in everything you want to be stubborn .....
okay ..let's go ..anyway i've not seen a lion for a long time ....!!!!!
The rest of the story ...
Husband & wife went to the circus. Husband even bought front row seats ...
Lion show started ....and also got over ...but no girl without clothes. Soon, the entire Circus show was over...
Husband : you told me there is a show where a girl comes without clothes?
Wife : i said a lion without clothes, not girl ........
I swear you will read it again..
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This is a Cracker!!!
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000...
Ok, just once, but not here.
Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and
starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them
or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man...
*"Costs too much!"*
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000...
Ok, just once, but not here.
Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and
starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them
or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man...
*"Costs too much!"*
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A director’s wife hears that her husband has a new secretary. The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions:
- Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?
-I don’t know.
-What color do her eyes have?
- I didn’t notice...
- But about dressing, how does she dress?
- Very fast...
♂
- Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?
-I don’t know.
-What color do her eyes have?
- I didn’t notice...
- But about dressing, how does she dress?
- Very fast...
♂
