<<_The Jokes Thread_>>

Dishon

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හොඳ ජෝක්ස් ටිකක් කියවන්න ඕන නං මේ ත්‍රෙඩ් එක කියවන්න. :D

කැමතිනම් Rep+ දෙන්න. :)
bump එකකුත් දාල යන්න ;)




The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women



  1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
  2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.
  3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
  4. Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)
  5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
  6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)
  7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
  8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)


Differences Between Man and Women



Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.


If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.


Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.


When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.


A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.


Bathrooms

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.


The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.


Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Cats

Women love cats.


Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.


Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.


A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.


Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.


A successful woman is one who can find that a man.


Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.


A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.


Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.


Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.


A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
 
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Dishon

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Te Be Six Again




You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"


His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."


George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.


As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"


Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
 

Dishon

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Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men's last name never changes.

Everything on a man's face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.
 

Dishon

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Dumb Criminals

Driving Drunk

"But officer, I was just riding my lawn mower."
Well, yes, he was just driving his lawn mower. But it was 1:00 in the morning in Iowa and he was driving on the highway, all over the road, with no headlights. His blood alcohol level was .19 which is well above the limit of .08. In Iowa it is illegal to drive any kind of motorized vehicle anywhere while you are drunk.

Wasn't Thinking

The police responded to an alarm at an elementary school. They responded in time to see a suspect running through the cafeteria and out the back door. They were not able to catch him. But when he ran out, the suspect dropped his cell phone.
The police picked up the phone, searched thought the list of contacts and called one labeled "Ma."
Ma gave the police her son's name.

Just Doing Their Job

The police were just doing their job. When someone called 911, then hung up, the police went to that location to see if there was a problem. It turns out that it was a motel where two drug dealers were staying in different rooms. One tried to call the other one in room 119, but dialed 911 by mistake.

Better Not Plan On Being a Career Criminal

A 17-year-old broke into an office furniture store to steal some items. He spent five hours there, doing what?? Well, for one thing, he tried to sell some stolen property using the store's computer. He also viewed pornography. But the thing that gave him away was that he logged into his MySpace account. That didn't make it hard for the police to identify him.
No report on whether or not he bragged about his caper on MySpace.

Dressed for Success, Not

A guy was arrested when he was apprehended after fleeing from a routine traffic stop. It turns out that he was wanted for bank robbery.
When he complained of stomach pain and lost consciousness, he was admitted to a hospital. He must have felt better because he walked out of the hospital and went into a bar. But he forgot to get dressed first. The bar owner called the police when he arrived in a hospital gown with the intravenous needle still in his arm.

Darn Those Phones

A dispatcher in Daytona Beach, Florida, notified the police when she received a call and overheard two teenagers in the process of stealing items from parked cars in a mall parking lot. They were overheard discussing which items would be worth taking. Apparently they had inadvertently dialed 911.
The police arrived and caught them red-handed.

Don't Rob a Liquor Store When You Are Drunk


A Wyoming man, who was suspected of stealing a bottle of Schnapps from the store, could have planned his escape a little better. He simply ran out of the store and into the nearest building which was the police station.
Apparently realizing where he was, he then ran out of the station. But a dispatcher saw him on the surveillance camera and alerted officers. He was caught nearby, quite drunk, and taken into custody. (They didn't have far to go.)

Quick Response

The police screamed to the scene with sirens blasting. A man had called to report that he had just killed someone and had a gun. When they got there, they found the man who told them he made it up. He claimed that he had been assaulted and wanted the police to respond quickly. They quickly arrested him for filing a false report and sent him to jail.

Snoopy He Isn't

Responding to an alarm going off in a hockey rink, the police found an intoxicated man trying to operate the Zamboni. He had crashed it into a wall. He had also operated two fork lifts, damaging the walls, sprinkler system and hockey net.
He was charged with burglary, criminal mischief, violation of his bail conditions and drunk driving.

Watch What You Do With the Goods

A postal worker has been charged with stealing gold which he was supposed to deliver. He made the mistake of pawning it at the same pawn shop which had melted it down to send to a business in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The jeweler at the pawn shop recognized it.
The postal worker has been charged with embezzling.
 

Dishon

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Dumb Criminals

Check the Weather

An observant cop stopped a woman driving on the Long Island Expressway in the car pool lane and found a mannequin in the passenger seat. She was given a ticket.
What tipped him off? The mannequin was wearing sunglasses and had the visor down. It was an overcast day.

Nice People Swallow

It seems a certain crook had the bad habit of spitting tobacco juice. And he didn't exactly care where he spit.
A keen eyed detective noticed tobacco juice stains on some papers that had been ransacked at an insurance office where a burglary had occurred. Since none of the ladies in the office chewed tobacco, he reasoned the spit belonged to the thief and took a DNA sample.
Tobacco spit was also found at five other crime scenes in the area. The DNA in all of them matched.
The police had a suspect for the robberies and got a warrant to test his DNA. Voila! It matched. They are expecting a conviction.

Short on Cash. Will This Do?

A customer at the drive through window of a fast food restaurant apparently didn't have enough cash on him to pay the bill. He offered to pay for his order with marijuana.
The cashier refused and called the police with a description of the vehicle.
Soon after, a police officer spotted the vehicle and pulled it over. An inspection of the car turned up marijuana. The driver was arrested.

Steal Something Smaller Next Time

A 25-year-old man in Utah decided he wanted to get to Washington to see his mother for Christmas. Not having a car, he hopped into a $500,000 fire truck, blew the air horn and tried to drive away. The fire fighters ran out to see what was happening. He put up a big fight, but they were finally able to subdue him. He never made it to Washington for Christmas.

Too Dumb to Be a Thief

The police had no trouble finding this thief. When he used a stolen credit card to buy some cigars, he signed his own name on the receipt. Later he tried to buy some merchandise at a store, but the card came up as stolen. When asked for some identification, he presented his own driver's license.

He Broke Into Where???

You really have to wonder about this one. Why would a thief break into a courthouse? I guess when you're drunk, your judgment is a little off, to say the least.
This guy pried open the sliding door to the courthouse and broke into the safe in the lobby. The only problem was that it's an antique safe and there was nothing in it. It was there only for display. In fact, it wasn't locked because the lock was broken.
He was caught when he again tried to pry open to door to get out. He was back inside the same courthouse a few hours later where he was arraigned on a charge of second degree burglary.

Sleeping Beauty

A man came home to his apartment to find the bedroom and kitchen cabinets had been rummaged. He also found the burglar asleep on the living room floor. When the police came and were able to wake him, he was so drunk that he thought he was in his own apartment.

Flubbed Escape

A man in New Hampshire was stopped at a sobriety checkpoint. After handing over his driver's license and registration, he floored the gas pedal and tried to make a get away (almost running down a police officer). The police caught up with him and found marijuana in his car. He was charged with a DUI, drug possession, disobeying a police officer and reckless driving.

Just a Little Cat Nap

Police in Arizona responded to a burglar alarm at a gun and police accessories store in Prescott. They found a man inside, fast asleep. He'd apparently entered through a window and claimed that he was driving and got sleepy. He was just looking for a place to take a nap.
He was found with a flashlight, gloves and a bag which contained expensive electronics from the store. He also smelled of alcohol.
The police had a hard time believing his story, especially since there were several warrants out on him. He was arrested.

It's What?

A group of teenagers in Arkansas tried to pawn a 62+ pound hunk of metal. The shop owner was suspicious and convinced them that it was only lead. He offered them $30 for it. Since they needed money for gas, they took it.
The police were called and six young people were arrested for allegedly stealing the metal plus various gold and silver coins. It seems the hunk of metal was actually a silver ingot worth $15,000.
 

Dishon

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Dumb Criminals

It's What?

A group of teenagers in Arkansas tried to pawn a 62+ pound hunk of metal. The shop owner was suspicious and convinced them that it was only lead. He offered them $30 for it. Since they needed money for gas, they took it.
The police were called and six young people were arrested for allegedly stealing the metal plus various gold and silver coins. It seems the hunk of metal was actually a silver ingot worth $15,000.
Two Birds with One Stone

Police in Montana stopped a car because the driver was swerving. While they were having him do the field sobriety test, the passenger got behind the wheel and drove off.
The police yelled at him and he stopped. He was also sited for drunk driving.

Nerves of Steel She Didn't Have

A female walked into a bank in Centereach, New York and handed the teller a note, demanding all her cash. The note said she would start shooting if the teller didn't comply.
The teller asked her, "Are you serious?"
The suspect responded by fleeing the bank.

Died in Afghanistan

A woman in Gloucester, UK, filed a life insurance claim on her husband's $550,000 policy, because he had died in Afghanistan of brain trauma after an accident. She had the death certificate to prove it.
You would think a dead man would not need to see his doctor for anything. But, yet, the husband showed up at his general practitioner a few weeks later.
He had also been living openly in Gloucester, working and paying taxes.
They were both sentenced to community service because (1) they were "less than sophisticated," in other words, dumb and (2) no money was lost.
Makes you wonder about justice.

Don't Mess with Pizza Hut

A former employee of a Pizza Hut tried to extort $500 for five car roof signs that he took while he worked there. You know, the kind the pizza guy (or gal) puts on top of their car when they go delivering pizzas.
The manager told him he wanted proof that he really had them. So the guy emailed him a picture. Only problem was, the police were able to zoom in on the license plates of two cars in the background which were registered to the guy.
He was charged with extortion, possession of stolen property and grand larceny.

Watch Out For the Old Broads

An 85-year-old woman heard someone break into her home one Sunday afternoon. She calmly walked past the teenager and into her bedroom where she got a .22 caliber gun she kept there. Then she came back out, pointed the gun at him and made him pick up the phone and call the police.
She kept the gun pointed at him until the police arrived. The boy was charged with attempted burglary.

Memo to Self...

A man in Texas left his car running outside while he robbed a drug store of Zanax and hydrocodine. He ran outside to his get away car only to discover that he had locked the keys inside in the ignition.

I'm Really Over 21

A man walked into the corner store with a gun, planning to rob it. He demanded all the money in the till. The cashier put the money into a bag, as the robber instructed him to. The robber then demanded the bottle of Scotch he saw behind the counter. But the cashier wouldn't give it to him because he said he didn't believe the robber was over 21. The robber pulled out his driver's license to prove it and the cashier gave him the Scotch.
After the robber left, the cashier called the police with the man's name and address. He was arrested soon after.

Never Represent Yourself

A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store. He didn't like the job his attorney was doing, so he fired him and represented himself. He was doing a fine job until the manager of the store got to the stand. When she identified him as the robber, he jumped up and yelled, "You're lying! I should have blown your head off!!" He paused, then added, "If I had been the one that was there."
It took the jury only twenty minutes to find him guilty. He was sentenced to thirty years.

Don’t Forget to Pay Attention

A man thought that the best time to steal a car would be when the driver was getting out of it. He watched a woman stop and park her car. He approached the car, attempting to steal it. The only problem was that the driver was in the process of attaching an anti theft device to the steering wheel. She used it to beat him over the head. He was arrested and charged with robbery, assault and grand larceny.
 

Dishon

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Failed Jail Break

Two inmates were attempting to escape the city jail by crawling through the air conditioning ducts, but fell through the ceiling into the office of the police chief.

Don't Commit a Robbery While Intoxicated

A woman arrived home and saw a man breaking into her house. She called her husband, then called the police. The husband rushed home and saw the intoxicated man leaving his house. It was someone he knew. So he went over to talk to him. They chatted by the side of the road long enough for the police to arrive and arrest him.
To Do List

Two men escaped a prison in Vermont. When they were caught in New York City, they were found with this To Do list:

  • Drive to Maine
  • Get safer place to stay
  • Buy guns
  • Get Marie
  • Get car in Dartmouth
  • Do robbery
  • Go to New York

Guns for Hire

"Guns for Hire" is a company which stages gunfights for Western movies and for other events. One day a woman called and asked if she could hire them to kill her husband. She was sentences to 4 ½ years for the request.

That Stinks

A man broke into a landfill and attempted to steal $10 worth of copper. Only problem is that he got stuck under a large metal trash bin for 12 hours until the employees found him the next day.

No Warrant?

A man was charged with drug possession. At his trial, he claimed that the officers had searched him without a search warrant. The judge explained that they did not need one because the bulge in his pocket had looked like a gun. The man happened to be wearing the same jacket. When he handed it to the judge, a bag of cocaine fell out of the pocket.
The judge had to take a five minute recess to regain his composure.

Not Spicy Enough

A man called 911 to report that a sandwich shop had left off the hot sauce when making his spicy Italian sandwich. He called a second time to complain that the police were not responding quickly enough.
The employees had locked him out when he left to make the call because he was yelling at them and belligerent. The police tried to calm him down and explain the proper use of 911, to no avail. He was arrested and charged with making a false call to the police.

Don't Litter

Three people were arrested when a recreation center reported their vending machine had been burglarized. The police arrived to find that most of the contents had been stolen. They went outside and followed a trail of Cheetos to a house nearby where they arrested the three young men.

He Loved Chocolate

Store employees called the police when they saw a 15 year old boy steal some candy bars. The police caught up with him. He denied taking the candy. But the odor of chocolate was strong on his breath.
The police took him back to the store where the employees identified him.

Excuses for Speeding

Kitsap County , Washington, had begun to crack down on speeding motorists. Here's a list of some answers they received when they asked the drivers why they were speeding:

  • My gas petal got stuck.
  • Don't I get a couple miles per hour over when I'm taking my grandchildren to the airport?
  • I didn't know I was speeding because my lights were off.
  • My speedometer is broken.
  • I had a bee in my car.
  • I've been drinking and I wanted to get off the road quickly.
  • I am driving my friend to the hospital. He has alcohol poisoning. (The driver was also found to be intoxicated.)
  • (After crashing) I put high test gas in my car and it caused me to lose control. (He was also found to be intoxicated.)
  • I'm trying to catch that UFO. Will you try to catch it for me?
  • I get 10 extra miles per hour in the fast lane.
  • I'm wearing shoes that are really heavy and they make the gas petal go down more.
  • My doctor gave me the wrong medication.
  • I'm headed to a divorce proceeding and if you met her, sir, you would understand why I'm in a hurry.
  • I just got my license back after having it suspended and I'm not used to driving.
 

Dishon

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Use Your Own Cell Phone

A man called the police from a cell phone he had stolen from a woman in a pool hall 90 minutes earlier. He said he had been jumped. But, in fact, he was just intoxicated and wanted a ride home. The woman identified him as the robber.

Sloppy Casing of the Joint

A man cased a bank in Boston for several days before he went in to rob it. When he reached the teller, he pulled out a gun and said in a loud voice, "This is a stick up. Nobody move!" He should have cased the joint a little better because two doors down from the bank was an FBI Field Office. Five FBI agents were in line on their lunch hour waiting to cash their checks.

Watch Those Metal Detectors

A man went to see his probation officer to check in and pay some fines. As he emptied his pockets before going through the metal detector, out came two bags of marijuana. He was arrested and sent back to jail.

Drug Deal Gone Bad

Using illegal drugs must really fry your brain, as the public service announcements show. A man called the police to report that he had just been robbed. As he was attempting to deliver drugs to two women in his car, a third person came to the window and robbed him. So, naturally, he called the police. All four of them were arrested.

Bail Money

A man was charged with driving with a suspended license. When he went to post bail, he was arrested again because he tried to pay with a counterfeit $50 bill.

Candy Thieves

Four people robbed a candy store in downtown Cincinnati. The police had no trouble finding them. All they had to do was follow the trail of candy wrappers.

How Not To Rob a Bank

She thought I would be easy. After filling out an application for a new account, she handed it to the teller, then pulled out a gun and demanded money. Only problem is, she left the application behind with her name and address on it. She was arrested with out incident less than an hour later.

Wrong Bank

A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: "This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag." Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note. So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.

What Was He Thinking?

A guy walked up to the teller and handed him a note demanding money. Only problem was that he wrote the note on a deposit slip from his wife's bank account.

Joy Ride

Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on. They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency lighting locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.

Robbing a Liquor Store

A man decided to steal some beer from a liquor store. He got a cinder block, went to the store, lifted the cinder block over his head and threw it at the window. The cinder block bounced back at him, hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. The window was made of Plexiglas. The whole thing was caught on video tape.

Speeding Ticket

A driver was speeding and was unknowingly caught in a speed trap that measured his speed with radar and photographed his car. In the mail, he later received a ticket for $100, along with a photograph of his car. He sent the ticket back with a photograph of a $100 bill. He then received a letter from the police department with a photograph of hand cuffs. He paid the ticket.

Don't Be Nervous

A nervous pair of robbers entered a record store to rob it. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled robber shot him.

This One's Not a Criminal, But Still Pretty Dumb

A woman called the poison control center, upset because her little daughter had eaten some ants. The person at poison control assured her that ants were not dangerous and that her little girl would be fine. The mother was relieved, then (fortunately) mentioned that she had given her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. She was told to get to the emergency room as quickly as possible.
 

Dishon

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Funny Computer Jokes




Exercise Joke


For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.
Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

Norvegian Virus Joke

Received in a recent email:

VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus
Ve haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.
Tank you for your cooperation,
Sven and Ole

 

Dishon

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R.I.P.


When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
 

Art0on

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Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other.

A woman comes on stage and starts stripping.

The guy in back says,"Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guys turns around and says,"hey man, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping.

The guy in back, once again, starts,"Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"
Once again the guy in front turns around and tells the man to be quiet.

So three women come out and start stripping.

The guy in back is silent.

The guy in front says,"Hey man, where's all your excitement now?"

The guy behind him says, "All over your back!"
 

Art0on

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An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical "service" smile and "Have a nice day!"

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another wad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand out for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??" Whereupon the cashier replied "Fluctuations!"

He screamed back "FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO!" I'm going back to Delhi!!!
 

Art0on

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Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"
 

Art0on

Member
Jan 2, 2011
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One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
 

Art0on

Member
Jan 2, 2011
7
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Just a little health advice headed into 2011



Q: Exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Yo ur heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: Yo u must grasp logistical efficiencies What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable)
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. Yo u should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Being an American is apparently what kills you.
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