Aurudakata Hariyana Jokes

[rooshan2008]

1. An old man was walking along the road. A car stopped near him and a got out of it. He asked the old man,
“Sir, shall I give you a lift?”
The old man replied,
“No need I live on the ground floor”

2. Two pupils were fighting outside the examination hall. The teacher came out and said:
T : Why r u fighting?
S : Teacher, he left his answer sheet blank
T : Why should that bother you?
S : I too left my answer sheet blank
T : So…?
S : The teacher will think that we have copied from each other.

3. A : B, which is this crop in the farm?
B : This is cotton from which clothes are made.
A : Then when will shirts and pants grow on it?

4. Teacher : Why are you late?
Student : Because there was a sign which tells “School ahead, go slow”.

5. A : Why have you kept the newspaper in the fridge?
B : Because it is full of HOT NEWS.

6. Professor : What three words are the most used by college students?
Student : I don’t know.
Professor : Absolutely correct.

7. Conductor : Why are you getting an extra ticket?
Passenger : If I lose one ticket, the other would save me.
C : What would you do if you lose both?
P : I am not a fool. I have my bus pass.
C : ????????

8. Lady : The design of the sari is excellent. But the colour is not good.
Salesman : Don’t worry mam. The colour will disappear after the first wash.

9. Teacher : “I killed a person”, convert this sentence into future tense.
Student : The future tense “you will go to jail”.

10. Mother : Reena, tell me why does a bear have it’s body covered with hair?
Daughter : Actually Mom, there is no barber in the forest.

 

[rooshan2008]

A YOUNG GAL GOES SHOPPING.... .....

GAL :HOW MUCH 4 DAT DRESS ?

NAUGHTY SHOPKEEPER : 5 KISSES ONLY!

GAL :AND DAT DRESS?

NAUGHTY SHOPKEEPER :10 KISSES ONLY!

GAL ACK DAT ONE

SHOPKEEPER [EXCITEDLY]: BILL PAYMENT PLZ..?

GAL : GRANDMA WILL PAY!!!!!!!!! !!!

 

[rooshan2008]

Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce:
Future tense of marriage

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower...

Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

 

[rooshan2008]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

 

[rooshan2008]

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and
asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you
talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out
of nowhere."

 

[rooshan2008]

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said
the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his
feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to
see you standing up there all by yourself."

 

[rooshan2008]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"

 

[rooshan2008]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day
of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, "So, why is the
groom wearing black?"

 

[rooshan2008]

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced
enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to
his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the
package to find a book entitled - "The meaning of Dreams".

 

[rooshan2008]

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?


CANDIDATE : M P. SIR


OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY


CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR


OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?


CANDIDATE : M P. SIR


OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?


CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR


OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE


CANDIDATE : M P. SIR


OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?


CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR


OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?


CANDIDATE : M P. SIR


OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?


CANDIDATE : METRIC PASS


OFFICER: WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?


CANDIDATE : M P. SIR


OFFICER: AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?


CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR


OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY


CANDIDATE : M P. SIR


OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY


CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR


OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW


CANDIDATE : M P. SIR


OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW


CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE....?


OFFICER : MP !!!


CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR..?


OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURE

 

[rooshan2008]

Lady : So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way 2 marry ur daughter!

A lady delivered twins. Suprisingly one is a boy and another is a dog how it is possible?
Bcoz her husband is HUTCH DEALER.... wherever u go out network follows

Dream makes al things possible, Hope makes al things work, luv makes al thigs beutifl, smile makes al d abv so always BRUSH UR TEETH...!

Husband: Today is sunday & I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and ur parents.

A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would u do if u had to arrest ur own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."

A baby monkey asks his father, Father why r we so ugly?
The father says to him, don't stress my son u should see the one who is reading this!!

 

[rooshan2008]

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child.
When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.
I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.
------------------------------------------------
My sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time. She went into labor, and my brother bundled her off to the hospital. A short time later, I arrived to keep him company, and he met me in the lobby. "Come back ," he said.
As we walked through the maternity ward, one patient gave my bulging figure a startled glance. "Will you look at, that!" we heard her exclaim to her roommate. "There he goes with another one!"
------------------------------------------------
Toward the end of my pregnancy, my doctor was called out of town. Right after he left, labour pains started and I headed for the hospital. Things progressed so quickly that I was never told who the attending doctor would be.
A stranger in scrub suit, gloves and mask rushed into the room, delivered the baby, and dashed back out.
My husband leaned over me, and asked in a whisper, "Who was that masked man?"

 

[rooshan2008]

1. What is height of Fashion?

Dhoti with a zip

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2. What is height of Secrecy?

Offering blank visiting cards .

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3. What is height of Activelaziness?

Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

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4. What is height of Laziness?

Adopting a child.

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5. What is height of Craziness?

Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

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6. What is height of Forgetfulness?

Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

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7. What is height of Stupidity?

A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

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8. What is height of Honesty?

A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

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9. What is height of Suicide?

A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

*************************************************************

10. What is height of De-hydration?

A cow giving milk powder

 

[rooshan2008]

What is the difference between men and women?


1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

*******

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

*******

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

*******


4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

*******

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

*******

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

*******

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

*******

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

*******

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

*******

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

 

[rooshan2008]

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?


Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.


Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?


Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
The game went into extra time.


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
A scotch and soda."


Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.


An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.


Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.


Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

 

[rooshan2008]

Santa Singh was traveling by train without a ticket. When he saw the T.C (Banta singh) coming he thought of an excuse which he had heard from other people, that is, ministers can travel free. So when Banta came and asked Santa for his ticket, he said ‘Oye! asi minister’ (I'm a minister). Banta asked him ‘Oye! tusi kade Minister’ (which minister). Santa couldn’t think of any minister except Mrs. Indira Gandhi, so he said ‘Oy! asi Indira Gandhi’. Immediately Banta caught Santa's feet for blessing and said ‘Oye! asi bauth sunya, Oye! asi bauth padya, aaj dhek leya’(I heard a lot about you, I read a lot about you and my luck, I saw you today).

One day, Banta goes to the clinic, and he finds his friend Santa crying.
Banta: Santa, Why are you crying?
Santa: The doctors are going to take my blood test by cutting my finger.
After hearing this Banta also starts crying.
Santa: Banta, why are you crying?
Banta: I'm here for urine test!

One day, Banta, along with his two friends, one being Polish and the other being an American go to the police station to get jobs as cops. However, they would have to answer only one question. The Polish person goes into the room.
Detective: Who killed Jesus?
Polish: The Catholics.
Detective: Good answer. In an hour or so, we'll tell you if you got the job.
The American goes next.
Detective: Who killed Jesus?
American: The Jews.
Detective: Good answer. In an hour or so, we'll tell you if you got the job.
Banta is next.
Detective: Who killed Jesus?
Banta: You have to give me more time. Can I tell you tomorrow?
Detective: Sure, take as much time as you want.
Banta then goes home and he finds his wife making dinner.
Wife: How did your interview go, sweetheart.
Banta: It went very well. I'm on my very first murder case.

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singh was singing a song.After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside down and started singing again.
Banta Singh : Santa Singh, what is the matter with you? Why are you hanging upside down?
Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.

 

[rooshan2008]

Q:WHAT IS A PARROT'S FAVOURITE GAME?

A:HIDE AND SPEAK.

Q:WHAT DID A BOY OCTOPUS SAY 2 A GAL OCTOPUS?

A:I WANNA HOLD UR HAND,HAND,HAND, HAND,HAND, HAND,

Q:WHERE R MOST FISH FOUND?

A:BETWEEN HEAD AND THE TAIL.

Q:WHAT HAPPENS 2 A CAT WHEN IT TURNS 5?

A:SIMPLE SHE TURNS 6.

 

[rooshan2008]

1. A cow standing on the road keeps shouting 'F'... 'F'...

Why???



































Because F=ma ( Newton 's Second Law

)



2. A boy throws a bottle of Bournvita out of the window. A cat sees it, and takes the bottle of bournvita and buries it under the ground. Why?











































Because 'CAT-BURIES' Bournvita





3. Who is called female Java?







































Java'Gal' Srinath



4. 3 cockroaches are walking on the road. Suddenly 1 of them starts singing 'Tujhe Dekha To Yeh Jaana Sanam...' And the other 2 die immediately. Why?







































Because it was a HIT song.

 

[rooshan2008]

Mage 200 Weni Post Eka

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
;stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[lankasuda]