People at their worse.
* Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
* Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
* Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
* Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
* Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
* Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
* Customer: "What?"
* Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
* Customer: "No..."
Email from a customer:
I've bought a stolen CDD3610 which didn't come with any software or cables. Could you please send that to me? I presume I do have the full 12 months warranty?
-------------------------------------------
* Customer: "I would like to place an order."
* Tech Support: "Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site."
* Customer: "Web site?"
* Tech Support: "You need access to a computer that's connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order."
* Customer: "Where is the computer?"
* Tech Support: "..."
-------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Ok, let's put your operating system disk in the drive."
* Customer: "Ok...which way does it go in?"
* Tech Support: "The shiny side faces down."
* Customer: "Alright...um...which way is down."
* Tech Support: (rolling eyes) "Towards the floor."
* Customer: "Ahhh...so what way does the other side face?"
* Tech Support: "Are you kidding?"
* Customer: (outraged) "Hey! I'm not a computer genius, ok? That's why I called you!"
* Tech Support: "Ok, that side faces down too."
That kept her occupied for a couple of minutes, while I told my colleagues what was happening and we had a good laugh.
---------------------------------------------------
* Customer: "Hi, my manager's computer isn't working, and she asked me to call you."
* Tech Support: "Ok, what's happening? Is there an error message?"
* Customer: "Oh, I don't know. She just said it wasn't working. Can you fix it?"
:q:
I'm a tech support engineer for a software company. I had a guy call up rather annoyed that the disks we'd sent him containing the latest version of our software didn't work.
* Customer: "The install fails half way through. I tried several times, and it always fails at the same point."
* Tech Support: "Did you see any kind of error message?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "What did the error message say?"
* Customer: "It said, 'Please insert Disk 2.'"
* Tech Support: "Have you got another disk there?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Is it labelled 'Disk 2'?"
* Customer: "Yes, it is."
* Tech Support: "Insert that disk into the drive, and click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Wow, thanks! That's fixed it. It's installing now. What was it, a faulty disk or something?"
------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, I need you to do a ctrl-alt-del."
* Customer: "How do I do that?"
* Tech Support: "Push and hold 'ctrl' and 'alt' at the same time, and then hit 'delete'."
* Customer: "Where are those?"
* Tech Support: (explains the location of the keys)
* Customer: "Nothing happened."
* Tech Support: "Try again."
* Customer: "Still nothing."
A minute or two later....
* Customer: "Should I turn my computer on? Would that help?"
* Tech Support: "Yeah, it might."
----------------------------------------------
New!
Isn't it amazing how people can forget even the simplest things when they're sitting in front of a computer?
* Tech Support: "Ok, click on 'Start,' click on 'Programs,' and then click on 'MS-DOS Prompt.'"
* Customer: "Right."
* Tech Support: "Ok, you should now have a black screen."
* Customer: "Uhm." (sound of hand covering mouthpiece) "Cheryl, is this screen black??"
------------------------------------------------------
* Customer: "I just uploaded a file, but now it says I need to turn it off."
* Tech Support: "If you sent us a file, that's uploading. If you got a file from us, that's downloading. Did you get a file from us?"
* Customer: "Sorry, yes."
* Tech Support: "No problem; it's easy to mix them up. When did the computer tell you to shut down or restart?"
* Customer: "After I installed it."
* Tech Support: "The file?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Which file did you download?"
* Customer: "[program]"
* Tech Support: "That's normal. You just need to restart before you can use the program."
* Customer: "I was afraid of that. I can't afford to do that, so how to get rid of it?"
* Tech Support: "Why is restarting a problem? Are you running another program?"
* Customer: "I have lots of programs on there, and I don't want to erase them all."
* Tech Support: "Have you been saving your work?"
* Customer: "Yes, but I don't have a printer, and if I shut down won't I have to start over?"
* Tech Support: "No, if you saved your work, when you restart, everything on your computer will still be there."
* Customer: "Are you sure? That's not what happens on my calculator."
* Tech Support: "I'm sure. I restart all the time."
* Customer: "Thank you! This is such a relief. I had this thing a couple weeks now, and it keeps wanting to turn off."
* Tech Support: "You don't need to do a shutdown, just a restart. Do you need some help restarting?"
* Customer: "No, I'll just try this button."
He did, before I could explain a restart. I hope he really saved his work.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?"
* Customer: "How?"
* Tech Support: "Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer."
* Customer: "Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?"
* Tech Support: "Um yes, that might be an idea."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?"
* Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print."
* Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start' and--"
* Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
* Customer: "A white one."
:q:
* Customer: "Hi. I was using Word, and my PC says it's lost its network connection."
* Tech Support: "Ok, can you read me the error message?"
* Customer: "Er...error message? Where's that?"
* Tech Support: "It should be on your screen."
* Customer: "Er..."
* Tech Support: "Ok, can you just tell me what's on your screen?"
* Customer: "Well, in the top-left corner, I've got a little blue 'W' on a blue bar. Next to that it says 'Microsoft Word - Document 1.' At the other end of the blue bar there are three buttons..."
--------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Click your left mouse button."
* Customer: "Which one is that?"
* Tech Support: "Well, you know your left from your right, so click the button on your left."
* Customer: "Oh."
* Tech Support: "What happened?"
* Customer: "Nothing."
* Tech Support: "You did click the left mouse button?"
* Customer: "I think so."
* Tech Support: "The one on your left?"
* Customer: "Which one was that again?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
* Customer: "I paid $1000 for this thing, and now the power button isn't working. I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working--"
* Tech Support: "Okay, sir, let's--"
* Customer: "It's off now, and if I press one of these other buttons on the bottom, it comes on."
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, it's designed to do that."
* Customer: "If I press and hold the power button..."
* Tech Support: "Sir, you don't need to do that."
* Customer: "..the backlight comes on."
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, it's designed to do that."
* Customer: "But the power button isn't working. I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working...."
--------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Can I get your phone number starting with the area code?"
* Customer: "You don't have it?"
* Tech Support: "No I don't, but could I get it from you?"
* Customer: "Ok, but I don't think my modem is working."
* Tech Support: "No, could you please tell it to me verbally."
* Customer: "Is that what the 'V' in my 'PB24DBFV' is?"
* Tech Support: "Sort of, but could you just say your phone number over the phone now?"
* Customer: "Ooohhhh, ok..."
------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Now I want you to click the right mouse button over the [ISP] icon."
* Customer: "Yep."
* Tech Support: "Did a menu appear with 'Properties' being listed at the bottom?"
* Customer: "No! It just says [ISP], and there's two buttons, 'Connect' and 'Cancel'."
* Tech Support: "Ok, let's just try again. You must have double clicked using the left mouse button. No problem, just click 'Cancel'. Now, I'd like you to click the button on the right of the mouse, not the left, and I'd like you to click it only once."
* Customer: "Now it says 'Create Shortcut Here'!"
* Tech Support: "Ok, click on 'Cancel'."
* Customer: "Left or right button?"
* Tech Support: "Left, please."
* Customer: "Now what?"
* Tech Support: "Ok, let's just try this again."
* Customer: "All right then, one last time."
* Tech Support: "Right, ok, please click the right mouse button over [ISP] and please try and keep the mouse still when doing so."
* Customer: "Which button is the left button?"
* Tech Support: "Not the left button!"
* Customer: "Which one's that?!"
* Tech Support: (groan, sigh, urgh)
* Customer: "Oh, never mind. 'Properties' is listed."
From all I could tell, everything went fine from then on. The configuration was right, and everything seemed to be working. But on a visit to the client's site later, we discovered multiple shortcuts all over the desktop and quicklaunch bar, files placed wherever, and general disarray.
------------------------------------------------------------------
* Customer: "I can't print anything!"
* Tech Support: "Yes, the print server's down for maintenance. Didn't you read that email I sent?"
* Customer: "No, I never got it."
* Tech Support: "But I got the return receipt from you. You must have seen it: 'Server down at 4:00pm for maintenance'."
* Customer: "Oh, that one. I didn't understand what you meant."
* Tech Support: (sigh) "The tech is here trying to fix the SCSI controller. The server was downed so he could work on it."
* Customer: "What? I don't understand. Why can't I print? I'm not a computer person! I really need to get these reports out."
* Tech Support: "When the message said, 'Please print your jobs before 4:00pm tomorrow,' what didn't you understand?"
* Customer: "Huh? What? I really need to print these reports out. It's important!"
* Tech Support: "You can't right now. The server is turned off. Like I told you yesterday."
Repeat for another ten minutes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
* Friend: "I hate IBM. Go with Apple because Windows sucks."
* Me: "What about Linux? Or FreeBSD or another alternate OS?"
* Friend: "They don't exist."
* Me: "Try www.linux.org."
* Friend: "You made them up."
-
* Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
* Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
* Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
* Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
* Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
* Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
* Customer: "What?"
* Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
* Customer: "No..."
Email from a customer:
I've bought a stolen CDD3610 which didn't come with any software or cables. Could you please send that to me? I presume I do have the full 12 months warranty?
-------------------------------------------
* Customer: "I would like to place an order."
* Tech Support: "Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site."
* Customer: "Web site?"
* Tech Support: "You need access to a computer that's connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order."
* Customer: "Where is the computer?"
* Tech Support: "..."
-------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Ok, let's put your operating system disk in the drive."
* Customer: "Ok...which way does it go in?"
* Tech Support: "The shiny side faces down."
* Customer: "Alright...um...which way is down."
* Tech Support: (rolling eyes) "Towards the floor."
* Customer: "Ahhh...so what way does the other side face?"
* Tech Support: "Are you kidding?"
* Customer: (outraged) "Hey! I'm not a computer genius, ok? That's why I called you!"
* Tech Support: "Ok, that side faces down too."
That kept her occupied for a couple of minutes, while I told my colleagues what was happening and we had a good laugh.
---------------------------------------------------
* Customer: "Hi, my manager's computer isn't working, and she asked me to call you."
* Tech Support: "Ok, what's happening? Is there an error message?"
* Customer: "Oh, I don't know. She just said it wasn't working. Can you fix it?"
:q:
I'm a tech support engineer for a software company. I had a guy call up rather annoyed that the disks we'd sent him containing the latest version of our software didn't work.
* Customer: "The install fails half way through. I tried several times, and it always fails at the same point."
* Tech Support: "Did you see any kind of error message?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "What did the error message say?"
* Customer: "It said, 'Please insert Disk 2.'"
* Tech Support: "Have you got another disk there?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Is it labelled 'Disk 2'?"
* Customer: "Yes, it is."
* Tech Support: "Insert that disk into the drive, and click 'OK'."
* Customer: "Wow, thanks! That's fixed it. It's installing now. What was it, a faulty disk or something?"
------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, I need you to do a ctrl-alt-del."
* Customer: "How do I do that?"
* Tech Support: "Push and hold 'ctrl' and 'alt' at the same time, and then hit 'delete'."
* Customer: "Where are those?"
* Tech Support: (explains the location of the keys)
* Customer: "Nothing happened."
* Tech Support: "Try again."
* Customer: "Still nothing."
A minute or two later....
* Customer: "Should I turn my computer on? Would that help?"
* Tech Support: "Yeah, it might."
----------------------------------------------
New!
Isn't it amazing how people can forget even the simplest things when they're sitting in front of a computer?
* Tech Support: "Ok, click on 'Start,' click on 'Programs,' and then click on 'MS-DOS Prompt.'"
* Customer: "Right."
* Tech Support: "Ok, you should now have a black screen."
* Customer: "Uhm." (sound of hand covering mouthpiece) "Cheryl, is this screen black??"
------------------------------------------------------
* Customer: "I just uploaded a file, but now it says I need to turn it off."
* Tech Support: "If you sent us a file, that's uploading. If you got a file from us, that's downloading. Did you get a file from us?"
* Customer: "Sorry, yes."
* Tech Support: "No problem; it's easy to mix them up. When did the computer tell you to shut down or restart?"
* Customer: "After I installed it."
* Tech Support: "The file?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Which file did you download?"
* Customer: "[program]"
* Tech Support: "That's normal. You just need to restart before you can use the program."
* Customer: "I was afraid of that. I can't afford to do that, so how to get rid of it?"
* Tech Support: "Why is restarting a problem? Are you running another program?"
* Customer: "I have lots of programs on there, and I don't want to erase them all."
* Tech Support: "Have you been saving your work?"
* Customer: "Yes, but I don't have a printer, and if I shut down won't I have to start over?"
* Tech Support: "No, if you saved your work, when you restart, everything on your computer will still be there."
* Customer: "Are you sure? That's not what happens on my calculator."
* Tech Support: "I'm sure. I restart all the time."
* Customer: "Thank you! This is such a relief. I had this thing a couple weeks now, and it keeps wanting to turn off."
* Tech Support: "You don't need to do a shutdown, just a restart. Do you need some help restarting?"
* Customer: "No, I'll just try this button."
He did, before I could explain a restart. I hope he really saved his work.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?"
* Customer: "How?"
* Tech Support: "Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer."
* Customer: "Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?"
* Tech Support: "Um yes, that might be an idea."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?"
* Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print."
* Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start' and--"
* Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
* Customer: "A white one."
:q:
* Customer: "Hi. I was using Word, and my PC says it's lost its network connection."
* Tech Support: "Ok, can you read me the error message?"
* Customer: "Er...error message? Where's that?"
* Tech Support: "It should be on your screen."
* Customer: "Er..."
* Tech Support: "Ok, can you just tell me what's on your screen?"
* Customer: "Well, in the top-left corner, I've got a little blue 'W' on a blue bar. Next to that it says 'Microsoft Word - Document 1.' At the other end of the blue bar there are three buttons..."
--------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Click your left mouse button."
* Customer: "Which one is that?"
* Tech Support: "Well, you know your left from your right, so click the button on your left."
* Customer: "Oh."
* Tech Support: "What happened?"
* Customer: "Nothing."
* Tech Support: "You did click the left mouse button?"
* Customer: "I think so."
* Tech Support: "The one on your left?"
* Customer: "Which one was that again?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
* Customer: "I paid $1000 for this thing, and now the power button isn't working. I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working--"
* Tech Support: "Okay, sir, let's--"
* Customer: "It's off now, and if I press one of these other buttons on the bottom, it comes on."
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, it's designed to do that."
* Customer: "If I press and hold the power button..."
* Tech Support: "Sir, you don't need to do that."
* Customer: "..the backlight comes on."
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, it's designed to do that."
* Customer: "But the power button isn't working. I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working...."
--------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Can I get your phone number starting with the area code?"
* Customer: "You don't have it?"
* Tech Support: "No I don't, but could I get it from you?"
* Customer: "Ok, but I don't think my modem is working."
* Tech Support: "No, could you please tell it to me verbally."
* Customer: "Is that what the 'V' in my 'PB24DBFV' is?"
* Tech Support: "Sort of, but could you just say your phone number over the phone now?"
* Customer: "Ooohhhh, ok..."
------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tech Support: "Now I want you to click the right mouse button over the [ISP] icon."
* Customer: "Yep."
* Tech Support: "Did a menu appear with 'Properties' being listed at the bottom?"
* Customer: "No! It just says [ISP], and there's two buttons, 'Connect' and 'Cancel'."
* Tech Support: "Ok, let's just try again. You must have double clicked using the left mouse button. No problem, just click 'Cancel'. Now, I'd like you to click the button on the right of the mouse, not the left, and I'd like you to click it only once."
* Customer: "Now it says 'Create Shortcut Here'!"
* Tech Support: "Ok, click on 'Cancel'."
* Customer: "Left or right button?"
* Tech Support: "Left, please."
* Customer: "Now what?"
* Tech Support: "Ok, let's just try this again."
* Customer: "All right then, one last time."
* Tech Support: "Right, ok, please click the right mouse button over [ISP] and please try and keep the mouse still when doing so."
* Customer: "Which button is the left button?"
* Tech Support: "Not the left button!"
* Customer: "Which one's that?!"
* Tech Support: (groan, sigh, urgh)
* Customer: "Oh, never mind. 'Properties' is listed."
From all I could tell, everything went fine from then on. The configuration was right, and everything seemed to be working. But on a visit to the client's site later, we discovered multiple shortcuts all over the desktop and quicklaunch bar, files placed wherever, and general disarray.
------------------------------------------------------------------
* Customer: "I can't print anything!"
* Tech Support: "Yes, the print server's down for maintenance. Didn't you read that email I sent?"
* Customer: "No, I never got it."
* Tech Support: "But I got the return receipt from you. You must have seen it: 'Server down at 4:00pm for maintenance'."
* Customer: "Oh, that one. I didn't understand what you meant."
* Tech Support: (sigh) "The tech is here trying to fix the SCSI controller. The server was downed so he could work on it."
* Customer: "What? I don't understand. Why can't I print? I'm not a computer person! I really need to get these reports out."
* Tech Support: "When the message said, 'Please print your jobs before 4:00pm tomorrow,' what didn't you understand?"
* Customer: "Huh? What? I really need to print these reports out. It's important!"
* Tech Support: "You can't right now. The server is turned off. Like I told you yesterday."
Repeat for another ten minutes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
* Friend: "I hate IBM. Go with Apple because Windows sucks."
* Me: "What about Linux? Or FreeBSD or another alternate OS?"
* Friend: "They don't exist."
* Me: "Try www.linux.org."
* Friend: "You made them up."
-
