Continued...
TOP 29 WAYS TO SURVIVE JACK BAUER
1. Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
2. Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all times increases your chances of not dying by Jack Bauer.
3. Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know then make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
4. Lie that you date his daughter -- but this only helps in the short run.
5. Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious minutes to take that cyanide pill. Unless it is one of the many languages he speaks, in which case your screwed
6. Talk. Once again, tell him the disarm codes, tell him where the bombs are, who the mole is, who you're working for. Exclaim loudly after telling Bauer anything that there is NO TIME. Bauer will leave immediately, thus allowing you to take that suicide pill.
7. BULL SHIT. When Jack is giving you extreme pain then gaze into his eyes and show him a look of total bull shit. Jack will conclude you don't know and he'll stop torturing you. Then you can take your cyanide pill.
8. Mop. If you are bleeding profusely be sure to mop-up after yourself so Bauer cannot follow your blood trail.
9. Hide. Hiding on a planet other than Earth is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer.
10. Drop it. Even if you are holding nothing, dropping it is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer. Specially when ordered by Bauer to do so. In fact, the "24" version of being "caught between a rock and a hard-place" is being ordered by Jack Bauer to "DROP IT!" when you're empty-handed.
11. Wife. Sitting next to your wife and ordering Jack Bauer to shoot you is also a possible way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (no one orders Bauer what to do).
12. US Presidency. Becoming President of the United States is a good way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer - even if you're guilty-as-sin and he has counted PAST three.
13. Count. If you are holding a gun to the head of Jack Bauer, COUNT to ten in stead of three. That way you get to live an extra 7 seconds. The longer you count the longer you live. But counting to infinity will not make you immortal, because sooner or later Jack is going to grab the gun, stick it up your ass, and fire.
14. Timer. Setting the bomb fuse timer to 100 years in stead of 3 minutes is a great way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (Jack thinks disarming a bomb before the LAST second is for pussies).
15. Joke. Jack Bauer loves Joe Pesci jokes, so telling him one is a good way to survive (Note: Don't get cute! And don't say, "You're a funny guy!" if Jack laughs, because when Jack laughs then you can take your cyanide pill.
16. Cry. Jack Bauer is a push-over for a pitiful weeping terrorist (Not!) - Then you can take your cyanide pill.
17. Drugs. Offer Jack Bauer a joint. If Jack smokes pot it will immediately be legal Globally. Then you can take your cyanide pill and "everybody must get ssttoooonned."
18. Convert. Converting Jack Bauer to Islam is a good way to survive. In fact, Bauer would accept Islam if it were not for the religion.
19. PASS. This method ONLY works for Kobe Bryant and is a forgone conclusion in the case of Jack Bauer.
20. SILENCE. If you are a box of Tic Tacs in Bauer's pocket then remaining silent is a good way to survive.
21. Tune-out. If you make a point to NOT watch "24" that is a good way to survive Bauer. But who's kidding who? There's no way you're going to miss Jack Bauer because the World depends on him.
22. Clean. Offering to CLEAN Jack's gun for free is a good way to survive (provided you don't get any crazy ideas, or get f**ked-up in the script).
23. Agree. If you work in a shoe store and Bauer enters and orders durian-flavored ice-cream, agreeing to his request is a good way to survive.
24. Celibacy. Not f**king Kim Bauer is a possible way to survive.
25. Ignorance. If you do not know who is Jack Bauer then there is no possibility of being killed by him, because you must already be dead.
26. Confuse. Tell Jack Bauer, "If you were going to kill me I'd already be dead!" - is a good way to survive Bauer.
27. Don't Infect. If you are a virus, NOT infecting Jack or his PC, is a potential way to survive Bauer.
28. STAY PUT. If Jack pulls you out of your car and says, "DON'T GET UP!", staying put is a great way to survive Bauer.
29. OBEY.
EXAMPLE 1: If you are a doctor performing emergency surgery on the Pope, and Bauer brings in a f**ked-up scum bag, points a gun at you, and orders you to stop what you're doing and save the terrorist, you should OBEY. That is not an option.
EXAMPLE 2: If you work in Burger King and Bauer points a gun at you and orders a Big Mac, OBEY.
EXAMPLE 3: If you work in McDonalds and Bauer comes in AFTER 10:30 am, points a gun at you, and orders breakfast, OBEY.
EXAMPLE 4: If you are a Hatha Yoga instructor and Bauer enters, points a gun a you, and orders you to stick your elbow in your ear, OBEY.
