The Winning Lotto Ticket
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!"
_________________________________________
Extreme Sexual Exhaustion!
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse
2) A death in the student's immediate family
A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said,
"Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."
_____________________________________
Unzip Your Pants!
An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home when the old man says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am."
The old woman says, "Okay, unzip your pants."
The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays with his noodle for a minute, pulls her hand out and says, "You're 89."
The old man looks at her incredulously and asks, "How can you tell?"
The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!"
________________________
Armless Man in a Bar
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!"
_________________________________________
Extreme Sexual Exhaustion!
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse
2) A death in the student's immediate family
A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said,
"Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."
_____________________________________
Unzip Your Pants!
An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home when the old man says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am."
The old woman says, "Okay, unzip your pants."
The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays with his noodle for a minute, pulls her hand out and says, "You're 89."
The old man looks at her incredulously and asks, "How can you tell?"
The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!"
________________________
Armless Man in a Bar
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
