Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping in the desert; they set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Sherlock Holmes wakes his friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Sherlock Holmes.
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,?"
Sherlock Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
Two old men were sitting and watching a cricket match on TV in the nursing home. One looks to the other and asks, "Do you think they have cricket in heaven?"
"They probably do," responds the second old man.
A few days later one of the old men died and went to heaven. Several days later, the other old man was sitting on the
porch of the nursing home when his dead friend suddenly appeared.
"I have good news for you and bad news for you." the dead man said to his friend.
"The good news is that they have cricket in heaven. In fact Anura Ranasinghe is captaining the Sri lankan side. The bad news is that you're been included for their day-night match tomorrow.!"
The SLP (Sri Lankan Police), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to
prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and
each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The SLP goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
I should have used this speech at our home coming...........
A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional
manner.
As expected she gave a speech:
My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family",
she
said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your
way of life, your routine."
"What do you mean my child ?" asked the patriarch of the family "What I
mean
dad is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked
shouldn't stop at my account. Those who used to clean should clean.
As for me, I'm here just to entertain your son
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Sherlock Holmes.
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,?"
Sherlock Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
Two old men were sitting and watching a cricket match on TV in the nursing home. One looks to the other and asks, "Do you think they have cricket in heaven?"
"They probably do," responds the second old man.
A few days later one of the old men died and went to heaven. Several days later, the other old man was sitting on the
porch of the nursing home when his dead friend suddenly appeared.
"I have good news for you and bad news for you." the dead man said to his friend.
"The good news is that they have cricket in heaven. In fact Anura Ranasinghe is captaining the Sri lankan side. The bad news is that you're been included for their day-night match tomorrow.!"
The SLP (Sri Lankan Police), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to
prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and
each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The SLP goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
I should have used this speech at our home coming...........
A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional
manner.
As expected she gave a speech:
My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family",
she
said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your
way of life, your routine."
"What do you mean my child ?" asked the patriarch of the family "What I
mean
dad is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked
shouldn't stop at my account. Those who used to clean should clean.
As for me, I'm here just to entertain your son
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