An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000...please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap!"
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A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?". The lady say's "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist. He looks at the photo and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription" !
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A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.
And, there were still 5 shaves left!
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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
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SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
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One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed to have sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
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A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?". The lady say's "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist. He looks at the photo and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription" !
===
A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.
And, there were still 5 shaves left!
===
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
===
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
===
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
===
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
===
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed to have sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
