Ugly Desperate Woman

[choppe]

An Ugly Desperate Woman Went To A Priest Because No One Like Her.
Priest: “Only After Death All Men Will Be Yours.”
She Went To Bridge And Jumped But She Fell On A Truck Full Of Bananas.
She Lost Senses And Was Unable To See.
She Touching Her Surrounding, Feeling All The Bananas She Smiled And Said:
“Gentlemen, One At A Time Please“

 

[manjulabw]

Haha,

 

[Thoppi_Chaminda]

 

[Jonnie_Walker]

 

[1sam]

Thanks.

Thanks, not heard this before.

 

[richlife]

 

[WhiteWalker]

Here's some more

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”

The priest was clearly offended. “Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

The guide explained to the priest, “No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is! It’s called a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really?”, the priest exclaimed. “Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!” Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, “Father! Such language!” The priest said, “It's okay, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is… a Son of a Bitch fish!”

Relieved, Sister Mary said, “Oh! well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?” Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. “I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch”, she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

“What are you doing Sister?”, the Friar asked.

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner.”

Shocked at her coarse language, the Friar said, “Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no!”, Sister Mary replied. “It's called a Son of a Bitch fish.”

The Friar was surprised. “Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and the fish can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch!”

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the Son of a Bitch fish was excellent.

Everyone, of course, was nervous about how the new Bishop would review the meal.

The Bishop said, “This is great fish! Where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed Sister Mary.

The Friar added, “And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!”

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You fuckers are my kind of people!”

 

[Ysa Karu]

 

[WhiteWalker]

 

[Jonnie_Walker]

Here's some more

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”

The priest was clearly offended. “Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

The guide explained to the priest, “No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is! It’s called a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really?”, the priest exclaimed. “Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!” Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, “Father! Such language!” The priest said, “It's okay, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is… a Son of a Bitch fish!”

Relieved, Sister Mary said, “Oh! well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?” Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. “I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch”, she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

“What are you doing Sister?”, the Friar asked.

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner.”

Shocked at her coarse language, the Friar said, “Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no!”, Sister Mary replied. “It's called a Son of a Bitch fish.”

The Friar was surprised. “Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and the fish can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch!”

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the Son of a Bitch fish was excellent.

Everyone, of course, was nervous about how the new Bishop would review the meal.

The Bishop said, “This is great fish! Where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed Sister Mary.

The Friar added, “And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!”

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You fuckers are my kind of people!”

 

[WhiteWalker]

72 Virgins in Heaven(Islam)

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

 

[WhiteWalker]

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-paid job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

 

[WhiteWalker]

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

 

[WhiteWalker]

A Jewish guy sends his son to Israel to get in touch with his religious roots and gain a deeper appreciation of Judaism. A year later the son returns and informs his shocked father that he has converted to Christianity.

Distraught, the father visits his friend and tells him what has happened. The friend replies: "Funny you should say that. I sent my son to Israel and he came back a Christian too."

The two friends decide to ask their Rabbi about this. "Funny you should say that", starts the Rabbi, "The exact same thing happened when I sent my son there too. I think we need to ask God what to do about this".

So the 3 men go to the temple and pray hard to God, telling him what has happened and asking for his divine guidance. Suddenly, from above, a voice booms out "Funny you should say that!".

 

[WhiteWalker]

 

[Jonnie_Walker]

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Patta yako keep posting

 

[WhiteWalker]

I’ve seen this joke written about multiple individuals, including atheists, Presbyterians, agnostics, and Protestants generally. It goes something like this.

A man was hiking alone in the woods, admiring the world, when he encountered a grizzly bear. The man ran away and the bear chased him. As the bear cornered him, the man thought that perhaps if the bear were enlightened, it would spare him. Then man prayed, “Dear Lord in Heaven, I don’t want to die. Please make this bear a proper Christian.”

The man’s prayer was answered! A golden beam from Heaven touched the bear, and his eyes showed awareness of the Almighty. The bear looked at the man, comprehension dawning. The bear knelt and put its paws together in prayer. “Dear Lord, for this bounty you have provided, I am most thankful.”

 

[WhiteWalker]

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

 

[A. සිරියා]

 

[WhiteWalker]

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?"

Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.

Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!"

The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question,

"Tell me who is our lord and savior?"

Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!"

The teacher congratulated her again.

Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"

Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"