Retirement does not have to be boring...
Dear Mrs. Toombs,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Elbert Toombs has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr.Toombs have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski, Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO
Re: Mr. Elbert Toombs - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Toombs has done while his wife is shopping:
* June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
* July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
* July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
* July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
* August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
* September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
* September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
* September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
* October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
* November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
* December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
* December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
* December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
* December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
* December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
=====================================================
Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began...
... "They accuse me of intervening in Angola..." and a man going through the audience called out, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"
Castro went on: "They say I'm intervening in Mozambique..." and the same loud voice shouted, "Peanuts! Popcorn!
Castro continued: "They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua..." and the voice yelled again, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"
By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami."
And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"
=======================================================
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come we never hear father-in-law jokes? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
======================================================
A blonde was driving about two hours from San Diego...
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
=====================================================
A husband and wife were going away for a long weekend.
They made sure the parrot's cage was well watered and seeded and there was enough food left outside for their cat, because if they left her inside, she would try to get at the bird.
The taxi they were taking to the airport arrived, and as they left the house with their luggage the cat streaked inside.
"Damn," said the man, "you wait for me, I won't be a minute." He went back in, chased the cat around the family room before it headed up the stairs to the bedroom.
His wife got in the taxi and noticed the driver was a rather unsavoury looking character, so rather than let him know the house was going to be empty for a few days, she said "My husband won't be a minute, he's just seeing that his elderly mother is comfortable."
A few minutes later he got into the taxi and said "I had to push her out from under the bed with a coat hanger. Well, her claws are so sharp I finally had to wrap a towel around her before throwing her into the backyard."
The taxi driver ran into a parked car.
Dear Mrs. Toombs,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Elbert Toombs has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr.Toombs have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski, Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO
Re: Mr. Elbert Toombs - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Toombs has done while his wife is shopping:
* June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
* July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
* July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
* July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
* August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
* September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
* September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
* September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
* October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
* November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
* December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
* December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
* December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
* December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
* December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
=====================================================
Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began...
... "They accuse me of intervening in Angola..." and a man going through the audience called out, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"
Castro went on: "They say I'm intervening in Mozambique..." and the same loud voice shouted, "Peanuts! Popcorn!
Castro continued: "They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua..." and the voice yelled again, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"
By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami."
And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"
=======================================================
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come we never hear father-in-law jokes? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
======================================================
A blonde was driving about two hours from San Diego...
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
=====================================================
A husband and wife were going away for a long weekend.
They made sure the parrot's cage was well watered and seeded and there was enough food left outside for their cat, because if they left her inside, she would try to get at the bird.
The taxi they were taking to the airport arrived, and as they left the house with their luggage the cat streaked inside.
"Damn," said the man, "you wait for me, I won't be a minute." He went back in, chased the cat around the family room before it headed up the stairs to the bedroom.
His wife got in the taxi and noticed the driver was a rather unsavoury looking character, so rather than let him know the house was going to be empty for a few days, she said "My husband won't be a minute, he's just seeing that his elderly mother is comfortable."
A few minutes later he got into the taxi and said "I had to push her out from under the bed with a coat hanger. Well, her claws are so sharp I finally had to wrap a towel around her before throwing her into the backyard."
The taxi driver ran into a parked car.
