A young woman finds an old man crying on a park bench. "What's the matter, sir?"
"I just married a beautiful girl (boo hoo hoo), 25 years old (boo hoo hoo), and she's a wonderful cook (boo hoo hoo), and the sex is marvelous (boo hoo hoo), and not only that, she's rich (boo hoo hoo hoo hooo hooo!).
She asks, "Then why are you crying?"
He moans, "I don't remember where I live?"
A 90 year-old grandmother finds her 92-year old husband in bed with a 22-year old, in a bedroom on the 25th floor of a hotel. She grabs him and throws him out the window.
"Why did you do that to your husband of 70 years," the young girl asks.
"At his age, if he can screw, he can fly."
A 70-year old doctor is told by his 93-year-old father that pop plans to marriage a woman about his age whom he met in the old folks home. The son warns that marriage at their age can be dangerous and insists on giving them both physical exams. He reports back to his dad a couple of weeks later: "Dad, you are in great shape for your age, but you should know that your fiancee has acute angina." "I know; it's very cute indeed."
The worst thing about growing old is when you discover that all the old furniture and household stuff you threw out years ago are now valuable antiques.
An old man hears of a blood supply crisis in town and goes to his doctor, offering to give blood. "Mr. Greenstein, we don't want your blood. You're 96 years old and you need all the blood you have." "Vell, is dere sometink I can do to help de oder pipple?" Without thinking, the doctor jokes, "I suppose you could be a sperm donor." "Fine." The doc gives the old man a jar and a stack of magazines and sends him into a bathroom. As time goes by and the old gentleman doesn't emerge, the doc begins to worry. Finally Greenstein comes out, looking sad. "How'd it go?" the doc asks anxiously.
"Not too vell. Foist I tried it mit my right hend: nottink doink. Den I tried it mit my left hend: nix. So I tried it mit bot hends: still nottink. I tried it mit hot vater, nope; I still couldn't get de top off de jar."
True story: the State of Texas, known for poor decisions, once renewed the drivers' license of my 96-year old Uncle Hank. That very day, Hank goes out and buys a brand new Honda Accord. The salesman asks, "Mr. Friedberg, would you like to buy the seven-year warranty?" Uncle Hanks exclaims: "Seven-year warranty? Do you know how old I am? I don't even buy green bananas. (Postscript, Uncle Hank lived to 100, still full of hell and great jokes.)
"I just married a beautiful girl (boo hoo hoo), 25 years old (boo hoo hoo), and she's a wonderful cook (boo hoo hoo), and the sex is marvelous (boo hoo hoo), and not only that, she's rich (boo hoo hoo hoo hooo hooo!).
She asks, "Then why are you crying?"
He moans, "I don't remember where I live?"
A 90 year-old grandmother finds her 92-year old husband in bed with a 22-year old, in a bedroom on the 25th floor of a hotel. She grabs him and throws him out the window.
"Why did you do that to your husband of 70 years," the young girl asks.
"At his age, if he can screw, he can fly."
A 70-year old doctor is told by his 93-year-old father that pop plans to marriage a woman about his age whom he met in the old folks home. The son warns that marriage at their age can be dangerous and insists on giving them both physical exams. He reports back to his dad a couple of weeks later: "Dad, you are in great shape for your age, but you should know that your fiancee has acute angina." "I know; it's very cute indeed."
The worst thing about growing old is when you discover that all the old furniture and household stuff you threw out years ago are now valuable antiques.
An old man hears of a blood supply crisis in town and goes to his doctor, offering to give blood. "Mr. Greenstein, we don't want your blood. You're 96 years old and you need all the blood you have." "Vell, is dere sometink I can do to help de oder pipple?" Without thinking, the doctor jokes, "I suppose you could be a sperm donor." "Fine." The doc gives the old man a jar and a stack of magazines and sends him into a bathroom. As time goes by and the old gentleman doesn't emerge, the doc begins to worry. Finally Greenstein comes out, looking sad. "How'd it go?" the doc asks anxiously.
"Not too vell. Foist I tried it mit my right hend: nottink doink. Den I tried it mit my left hend: nix. So I tried it mit bot hends: still nottink. I tried it mit hot vater, nope; I still couldn't get de top off de jar."
True story: the State of Texas, known for poor decisions, once renewed the drivers' license of my 96-year old Uncle Hank. That very day, Hank goes out and buys a brand new Honda Accord. The salesman asks, "Mr. Friedberg, would you like to buy the seven-year warranty?" Uncle Hanks exclaims: "Seven-year warranty? Do you know how old I am? I don't even buy green bananas. (Postscript, Uncle Hank lived to 100, still full of hell and great jokes.)
