1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriag
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"
(I didn't make any of them up) Just a cople of fag ones before I go
What do you call a ship full of fags?
The navy!
What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?
Rolaids
What does AIDS stand for?
Anally Injected Death Sentence.
And why not some Mexican ones
What do you call a little mexican?
A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay
What do you call a mexican getting baptised?
Bean dip!
How do you kill a mexican?
Throw a quarter off a cliff.
Why were there only 40,000 mexicans at the Alamo?
They only have two cars!
How do you start a mexican parade?
Roll a quarter down the street!
Why is there no mexican olympic team?
All the spics who can run, jump or swim are in the U.S.!
THREE NUNS
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was
cleaning the father's room the other day and do you
know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was
in the father's room putting away the laundry and I
found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."
The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
* Gun wounds again?
* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
* Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
ABORIGINE JOKES
Most commonly known as "Abo jokes". However, even the term "Abo" has become "politically incorrect". This is unfortunate, as it is actually legitimate Australian slang. A lot of Australian slang for nouns are an abbreviation of the primary word, usually ending with a suffix of "o" or "ie". For example: Aussie (Australian), chrissie (christmas), pressie (present), blowie (blow fly), relo (relative), compo (compensation); Thommo (Thomas or Thompson), Abo (Aborigine), refo (refugee), smoko (smoke break), etc.
Characteristics of Aborigines in jokes: Portrayed as lazy, dirty, ugly, alcoholic; sometimes as thieves, dumb.
Q: What do you call an Abo in an orange VW?
A: A Jaffa.
Q: What do you call an Abo in a Rolls Royce?
A: A thief.
Q: What do you call an Abo in a suit?
A: The defendant.
Q: What do you call an Abo with a gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What do you call an Abo who does well in a an IQ test?"
A: A cheat.
Q: What do you call 50 Abos rolling down a hill?
A: An Abolanche.
Q: Did you hear about the two Abos who appeared on the TV show "That's Incredible"?
A: One didn't drink and the other had a job.
Q: What did Jesus say on the cross to the Abos?
A: "Don't do anything until I come back."
Q: What do you get if you cross a New Zealander with an Abo?
A: Someone who's too lazy to steal.
Q: What are the four most difficult years for an Abo?
A: Grade Six.
Q: What's two miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: An Aboriginal Land Rights protest march.
Q: What's black & brown, and looks good on an Abo?
A: A doberman.
Q: How do you stop an Abo from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What do you do if you see an Abo drowning?
A: Throw him his wife and kids.
Q: What do you call it when a bus-load of Abos runs off the end of Darwin pier, and they all drown?
A: A good start.
Q: Why do Abos smell so awful?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: How do you kill an Abo?
A: While he's having a drink, slam the toilet lid down on his head.
Q: Why do Abos always hang around in groups?
A: So that they can form a dope ring.
Q: Why are Abos called "Boongs"?
A: Because that's the sound they make as they bounce off your truck's bull-bar.
Q: What's the difference between an accident scene where a truck has killed a kangaroo, and an accident scene where a truck has killed an Abo?
A: There's skid marks in front of the kangaroo.
Q: How many Abos does it take to eat a kangaroo?
A: Three. One to eat the kangaroo, and two to watch for trucks.
Q: What's transparent and lies in the gutter?
A: An Abo with the shit kicked out of him.
Q: What's the difference between a woman driving a Volvo, and a woman putting her hand down the front of an Abo man's trousers?
A: She feels more of a dick driving a Volvo.
Q: What's the difference between an Abo and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What's an Aboriginal vibrator?
A: Eight blowflies in a sherry bottle.
Q: How do you get an Abo woman pregnant?
A: Just come in the gutter and let the blowflies do the rest.
Q: Why do Abo women eat with their legs open?
A: To keep the flies off their food.
Q: What's the difference between an Abo girl from Arnhem land, and rubbish in the street?
A: Sometimes rubbish gets picked up.
Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Arnhem Land?
A: A tourist.
Two Abos appear at the Pearly Gates, asking to be let in. Saint Peter says "No way, we don't let Abos in here". The Abos plead, telling him how they've been good Christians all their lives, and deserve to go to heaven. So, Saint Peter tells them he'll check with God, and off he goes to see Him.
God thinks it over for a while and then says "Well, we don't really want any Abos in here, but the rules say that we've got to admit them if they've been good Christians, so you'd better let them in".
Peter goes off, then comes running back 2 minutes later: "God, God, they've gone, they've gone!".
"What? The Abos have gone?".
"No, the Pearly Gates!!!"
An Abo finds an old brass bottle in his back yard, gives it a rub, and a genie appears. The genie tells him he can have three wishes.
"I wanna be rich" says the Abo.
"BANG": the back yard fills up with huge chests overflowing with gold coins and jewels.
"I'm no fool" says the Abo, "I wanna be White".
"BANG": he's changed, suddenly he's White, blond-haired and blue-eyed.
"Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life".
"BANG": he's black again.
I wouldn't like to say that Abos have a hygiene problem, but if you look carefully at the picture on the reverse side of the $2 coin, you can see the flies buzzing around the Abo's head.
A Jew, an Irishman, and a Abo all died on the same day and went to heaven, where they were greeted by Saint Peter. "Good to see you guys, said Saint Peter. "One quick quiz and I'll be able to formally admit you to heaven."
"Just a sec," said the Jew. "Being a Jew, I've had it rough all my life and I'd like to know if I can expect any religious persecution in heaven."
"Certainly not," said Saint Peter. "Spell God."
The Jew does this correctly, and is let in.
"Well, now," says the Irishman, "being Irish, I've been treated terribly, and I'd like to make sure I'm not going to encounter any more of that sort of stuff."
"No way," said Saint Peter. "Spell Jesus."
The Irishman does this correctly, and is let in.
"Saint Peter," said the Abo, "as you can see, I'm black, and I've had to endure a lot of discrimination in my life. Can I expect any more of that in heaven?"
"Of course not," said Saint Peter. "Spell chrysanthemum."
An Abo falls off the edge of Ayers Rock. On the way down, he just manages to grab hold of a bush to save himself.
As he's hanging there, wondering what to do, a great loud voice booms down from the heavens.
"This is God speaking" says the great voice.
"Yes, God?" says the Abo.
"Do you want me to help you?"
"Yes, please, God."
"Do you believe in me?"
"Yes, God"
"Then let go of the bush, and everything will be alright"
The Abo lets go of the bush, and plunges to the ground below. Splat!
The great voice booms down again: "Can't stand those black bastards!"
Three men are in a jail cell, discussing their crimes.
The first man asks the second man, "What are you in here for?".
Second man says "Armed robbery".
"What did you get?"
"12 years".
First man to third man, "What are you in for?"
"Murder".
"What did you get?"
"20 years".
Third man then asks the first man, "And what are you in for?"
"Burning Abos with petrol".
"What did you get?"
"Eight to the gallon".
A Jew, a Hindu, and an Abo were travelling together, and as night fell they came to a little country inn. The innkeeper explained apologetically that only two beds were available in the inn but that he would be glad to make up a comfortable cot for the third man in the barn. So the three travellers drew straws, and it fell upon the Jew to sleep in the barn.
Just a few minutes later there was a knock on the door, to which the innkeeper responded. "I'm so sorry," explained the Jew, "but there is a pig in the barn, and my religion forbids me to sleep under the same roof as a pig."
The Hindu had taken the next shortest straw, and so out he went. In a few minutes, though, there was another knock, and the innkeeper opened the door on the Indian fellow. Apologising, the Hindu explained that his religious persuasion forbade him to share shelter with a cow, and there was indeed such a creature in the barn.
Finally, out went the Abo to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there was yet another knock on the door, which the innkeeper answered. And there on the doorstep stood the pig and the cow.
A garbage truck stops outside a ramshackle old house in Redfern.
The garbo yells out to the old Abo sitting on the front step: "Hey, where's your bin?"
Abo answers "I've bin in Queensland".
Garbo: "No, where's your wheelie bin".
Abo: "Well, I've weally bin in jail for the last two weeks, but don't tell anyone".
Truck driver doing the long haul from Melbourne to Perth. Sees three Abos ahead on the road. Thinks "Bewdy", puts his foot flat down on the accelerator, speeds down the road, hits them all.
One Abo gets knocked into a nearby paddock; one gets smashed through the truck's windscreen; the other lands 100 yards down the road, gets up and runs away.
Just then a cop car pulls up. "Oh, no!!" thinks the truckie. Cop asks truckie what happened, truckie thinks he'd better "come clean", so tells him the truth.
"No worries" says the cop, "we'll charge the first Abo with trespass, the second with break and enter, and the third with leaving the scene of an accident".
On his way back the same truckie picks up a hitchhiker. After a while the hitchhiker says he's tired and lays down in the truck's "sleeper" compartment for a rest.
A while later the hitchhiker is woken up by the noise of the truck running over something: "BASH!, BASH!, BASH!".
"What's all the racket?" he asks the driver.
"Oh, I just hit an Abo".
"But what was all that other noise?".
"Well, I had to go over two fences to get the bastard".
On yet another journey, the truckie gives a lift to a priest. Later, as he's barrelling down the road, he sees an Abo ahead, he plants the foot down, and speeds towards him. At the last moment he remembers he's got the priest on board, and swerves, just missing the Abo.
"I'm terribly sorry about that, Father".
"That's OK, my son, I got him with the door".
Fred sees an old Abo walking down the road, apparently oblivious to the fact that he's wearing only one thong.
"Hey, Jackie" calls out Fred, "You've lost a thong!".
"Nah, mate" says the old Abo, "I've just found one".
Fred: "There's only one thing worse than bigots".
Jim: "What's that?.
Fred: "Abos!".
Fred: "Two Abos are standing on top of a five-storey building, a fat one weighing 20 stone and a skinny one weighing 8 stone, and they both jump off at the same time - who hits the ground first?".
Jim: "I don't know. What's the answer?".
Fred: "Who cares?".
Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.
The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left. Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.
Of course, they don't believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?".
"Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $100, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".
A man was bumping over an excuse for a road in his four-wheel-drive, way out past the Black Stump, when he saw an Abo carrying two sheets of corrugated iron and a carton of stubbies.
He stopped to give him a lift, and the Abo chucked the two sheets of corrugated iron and the carton of stubbies in the back of the ute and hopped in beside the driver.
"What the hell are you doing, wandering around the outback with two sheets of corrugated iron and a carton of stubbies?" the driver asked.
"The wife kicked me out," the Abo explained. "We had a court case. She got the kids, and I got the house and contents."
If someone doesn't like to hear Abo jokes being told, it's probably because they're "dark" on the idea
What do you call it when you have three Chinamen, one Abo, and three Niggers lying down on your front law?
An automatic return-cycle sprinkler (Do sprinkler sounds: Ching Ching Ching; Boong; Nigger Nigger Nigger).
There's a plane flying over the Atlantic, with six passengers: a Frenchman, a pregnant French woman, an Englishman, a pregnant English woman, an Australian, and a pregnant Asian-Australian woman.
Lightning strikes both wings, and the plane is going out of control. The pilot rushes up to the passengers, and says "I'm sorry, but there's only 4 parachutes. As I'm the pilot, it's essential that I get back to tell everyone what happened to the plane; you'll have to work out who gets the other three parachutes", so saying, he jumps out of the plane, opens his parachute and floats down to the ground.
The Frenchman looks at the pregnant French woman, and says "France needs more Frenchmen, therefore I do this for my country" and he jumps out of the plane without a parachute. The Englishman looks at the pregnant English woman, and says "I do this for my country", and jumps out of the plane without a parachute. The Australian looks at the pregnant Asian-Australian woman, and says "I do this for my country", and pushes her out of the plane.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Abo with a Chinaman?
A: A car thief who can't drive.
Q: What is the title of the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog.
Q: What's black and goes 200 miles an hour?
A: An Ethiopian with a McDonald's voucher.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriag
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"
(I didn't make any of them up) Just a cople of fag ones before I go
What do you call a ship full of fags?
The navy!
What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?
Rolaids
What does AIDS stand for?
Anally Injected Death Sentence.
And why not some Mexican ones
What do you call a little mexican?
A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay
What do you call a mexican getting baptised?
Bean dip!
How do you kill a mexican?
Throw a quarter off a cliff.
Why were there only 40,000 mexicans at the Alamo?
They only have two cars!
How do you start a mexican parade?
Roll a quarter down the street!
Why is there no mexican olympic team?
All the spics who can run, jump or swim are in the U.S.!
THREE NUNS
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was
cleaning the father's room the other day and do you
know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was
in the father's room putting away the laundry and I
found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."
The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
* Gun wounds again?
* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
* Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
ABORIGINE JOKES
Most commonly known as "Abo jokes". However, even the term "Abo" has become "politically incorrect". This is unfortunate, as it is actually legitimate Australian slang. A lot of Australian slang for nouns are an abbreviation of the primary word, usually ending with a suffix of "o" or "ie". For example: Aussie (Australian), chrissie (christmas), pressie (present), blowie (blow fly), relo (relative), compo (compensation); Thommo (Thomas or Thompson), Abo (Aborigine), refo (refugee), smoko (smoke break), etc.
Characteristics of Aborigines in jokes: Portrayed as lazy, dirty, ugly, alcoholic; sometimes as thieves, dumb.
Q: What do you call an Abo in an orange VW?
A: A Jaffa.
Q: What do you call an Abo in a Rolls Royce?
A: A thief.
Q: What do you call an Abo in a suit?
A: The defendant.
Q: What do you call an Abo with a gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What do you call an Abo who does well in a an IQ test?"
A: A cheat.
Q: What do you call 50 Abos rolling down a hill?
A: An Abolanche.
Q: Did you hear about the two Abos who appeared on the TV show "That's Incredible"?
A: One didn't drink and the other had a job.
Q: What did Jesus say on the cross to the Abos?
A: "Don't do anything until I come back."
Q: What do you get if you cross a New Zealander with an Abo?
A: Someone who's too lazy to steal.
Q: What are the four most difficult years for an Abo?
A: Grade Six.
Q: What's two miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: An Aboriginal Land Rights protest march.
Q: What's black & brown, and looks good on an Abo?
A: A doberman.
Q: How do you stop an Abo from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What do you do if you see an Abo drowning?
A: Throw him his wife and kids.
Q: What do you call it when a bus-load of Abos runs off the end of Darwin pier, and they all drown?
A: A good start.
Q: Why do Abos smell so awful?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: How do you kill an Abo?
A: While he's having a drink, slam the toilet lid down on his head.
Q: Why do Abos always hang around in groups?
A: So that they can form a dope ring.
Q: Why are Abos called "Boongs"?
A: Because that's the sound they make as they bounce off your truck's bull-bar.
Q: What's the difference between an accident scene where a truck has killed a kangaroo, and an accident scene where a truck has killed an Abo?
A: There's skid marks in front of the kangaroo.
Q: How many Abos does it take to eat a kangaroo?
A: Three. One to eat the kangaroo, and two to watch for trucks.
Q: What's transparent and lies in the gutter?
A: An Abo with the shit kicked out of him.
Q: What's the difference between a woman driving a Volvo, and a woman putting her hand down the front of an Abo man's trousers?
A: She feels more of a dick driving a Volvo.
Q: What's the difference between an Abo and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What's an Aboriginal vibrator?
A: Eight blowflies in a sherry bottle.
Q: How do you get an Abo woman pregnant?
A: Just come in the gutter and let the blowflies do the rest.
Q: Why do Abo women eat with their legs open?
A: To keep the flies off their food.
Q: What's the difference between an Abo girl from Arnhem land, and rubbish in the street?
A: Sometimes rubbish gets picked up.
Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Arnhem Land?
A: A tourist.
Two Abos appear at the Pearly Gates, asking to be let in. Saint Peter says "No way, we don't let Abos in here". The Abos plead, telling him how they've been good Christians all their lives, and deserve to go to heaven. So, Saint Peter tells them he'll check with God, and off he goes to see Him.
God thinks it over for a while and then says "Well, we don't really want any Abos in here, but the rules say that we've got to admit them if they've been good Christians, so you'd better let them in".
Peter goes off, then comes running back 2 minutes later: "God, God, they've gone, they've gone!".
"What? The Abos have gone?".
"No, the Pearly Gates!!!"
An Abo finds an old brass bottle in his back yard, gives it a rub, and a genie appears. The genie tells him he can have three wishes.
"I wanna be rich" says the Abo.
"BANG": the back yard fills up with huge chests overflowing with gold coins and jewels.
"I'm no fool" says the Abo, "I wanna be White".
"BANG": he's changed, suddenly he's White, blond-haired and blue-eyed.
"Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life".
"BANG": he's black again.
I wouldn't like to say that Abos have a hygiene problem, but if you look carefully at the picture on the reverse side of the $2 coin, you can see the flies buzzing around the Abo's head.
A Jew, an Irishman, and a Abo all died on the same day and went to heaven, where they were greeted by Saint Peter. "Good to see you guys, said Saint Peter. "One quick quiz and I'll be able to formally admit you to heaven."
"Just a sec," said the Jew. "Being a Jew, I've had it rough all my life and I'd like to know if I can expect any religious persecution in heaven."
"Certainly not," said Saint Peter. "Spell God."
The Jew does this correctly, and is let in.
"Well, now," says the Irishman, "being Irish, I've been treated terribly, and I'd like to make sure I'm not going to encounter any more of that sort of stuff."
"No way," said Saint Peter. "Spell Jesus."
The Irishman does this correctly, and is let in.
"Saint Peter," said the Abo, "as you can see, I'm black, and I've had to endure a lot of discrimination in my life. Can I expect any more of that in heaven?"
"Of course not," said Saint Peter. "Spell chrysanthemum."
An Abo falls off the edge of Ayers Rock. On the way down, he just manages to grab hold of a bush to save himself.
As he's hanging there, wondering what to do, a great loud voice booms down from the heavens.
"This is God speaking" says the great voice.
"Yes, God?" says the Abo.
"Do you want me to help you?"
"Yes, please, God."
"Do you believe in me?"
"Yes, God"
"Then let go of the bush, and everything will be alright"
The Abo lets go of the bush, and plunges to the ground below. Splat!
The great voice booms down again: "Can't stand those black bastards!"
Three men are in a jail cell, discussing their crimes.
The first man asks the second man, "What are you in here for?".
Second man says "Armed robbery".
"What did you get?"
"12 years".
First man to third man, "What are you in for?"
"Murder".
"What did you get?"
"20 years".
Third man then asks the first man, "And what are you in for?"
"Burning Abos with petrol".
"What did you get?"
"Eight to the gallon".
A Jew, a Hindu, and an Abo were travelling together, and as night fell they came to a little country inn. The innkeeper explained apologetically that only two beds were available in the inn but that he would be glad to make up a comfortable cot for the third man in the barn. So the three travellers drew straws, and it fell upon the Jew to sleep in the barn.
Just a few minutes later there was a knock on the door, to which the innkeeper responded. "I'm so sorry," explained the Jew, "but there is a pig in the barn, and my religion forbids me to sleep under the same roof as a pig."
The Hindu had taken the next shortest straw, and so out he went. In a few minutes, though, there was another knock, and the innkeeper opened the door on the Indian fellow. Apologising, the Hindu explained that his religious persuasion forbade him to share shelter with a cow, and there was indeed such a creature in the barn.
Finally, out went the Abo to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there was yet another knock on the door, which the innkeeper answered. And there on the doorstep stood the pig and the cow.
A garbage truck stops outside a ramshackle old house in Redfern.
The garbo yells out to the old Abo sitting on the front step: "Hey, where's your bin?"
Abo answers "I've bin in Queensland".
Garbo: "No, where's your wheelie bin".
Abo: "Well, I've weally bin in jail for the last two weeks, but don't tell anyone".
Truck driver doing the long haul from Melbourne to Perth. Sees three Abos ahead on the road. Thinks "Bewdy", puts his foot flat down on the accelerator, speeds down the road, hits them all.
One Abo gets knocked into a nearby paddock; one gets smashed through the truck's windscreen; the other lands 100 yards down the road, gets up and runs away.
Just then a cop car pulls up. "Oh, no!!" thinks the truckie. Cop asks truckie what happened, truckie thinks he'd better "come clean", so tells him the truth.
"No worries" says the cop, "we'll charge the first Abo with trespass, the second with break and enter, and the third with leaving the scene of an accident".
On his way back the same truckie picks up a hitchhiker. After a while the hitchhiker says he's tired and lays down in the truck's "sleeper" compartment for a rest.
A while later the hitchhiker is woken up by the noise of the truck running over something: "BASH!, BASH!, BASH!".
"What's all the racket?" he asks the driver.
"Oh, I just hit an Abo".
"But what was all that other noise?".
"Well, I had to go over two fences to get the bastard".
On yet another journey, the truckie gives a lift to a priest. Later, as he's barrelling down the road, he sees an Abo ahead, he plants the foot down, and speeds towards him. At the last moment he remembers he's got the priest on board, and swerves, just missing the Abo.
"I'm terribly sorry about that, Father".
"That's OK, my son, I got him with the door".
Fred sees an old Abo walking down the road, apparently oblivious to the fact that he's wearing only one thong.
"Hey, Jackie" calls out Fred, "You've lost a thong!".
"Nah, mate" says the old Abo, "I've just found one".
Fred: "There's only one thing worse than bigots".
Jim: "What's that?.
Fred: "Abos!".
Fred: "Two Abos are standing on top of a five-storey building, a fat one weighing 20 stone and a skinny one weighing 8 stone, and they both jump off at the same time - who hits the ground first?".
Jim: "I don't know. What's the answer?".
Fred: "Who cares?".
Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.
The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left. Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.
Of course, they don't believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?".
"Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $100, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".
A man was bumping over an excuse for a road in his four-wheel-drive, way out past the Black Stump, when he saw an Abo carrying two sheets of corrugated iron and a carton of stubbies.
He stopped to give him a lift, and the Abo chucked the two sheets of corrugated iron and the carton of stubbies in the back of the ute and hopped in beside the driver.
"What the hell are you doing, wandering around the outback with two sheets of corrugated iron and a carton of stubbies?" the driver asked.
"The wife kicked me out," the Abo explained. "We had a court case. She got the kids, and I got the house and contents."
If someone doesn't like to hear Abo jokes being told, it's probably because they're "dark" on the idea
What do you call it when you have three Chinamen, one Abo, and three Niggers lying down on your front law?
An automatic return-cycle sprinkler (Do sprinkler sounds: Ching Ching Ching; Boong; Nigger Nigger Nigger).
There's a plane flying over the Atlantic, with six passengers: a Frenchman, a pregnant French woman, an Englishman, a pregnant English woman, an Australian, and a pregnant Asian-Australian woman.
Lightning strikes both wings, and the plane is going out of control. The pilot rushes up to the passengers, and says "I'm sorry, but there's only 4 parachutes. As I'm the pilot, it's essential that I get back to tell everyone what happened to the plane; you'll have to work out who gets the other three parachutes", so saying, he jumps out of the plane, opens his parachute and floats down to the ground.
The Frenchman looks at the pregnant French woman, and says "France needs more Frenchmen, therefore I do this for my country" and he jumps out of the plane without a parachute. The Englishman looks at the pregnant English woman, and says "I do this for my country", and jumps out of the plane without a parachute. The Australian looks at the pregnant Asian-Australian woman, and says "I do this for my country", and pushes her out of the plane.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Abo with a Chinaman?
A: A car thief who can't drive.
Q: What is the title of the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog.
Q: What's black and goes 200 miles an hour?
A: An Ethiopian with a McDonald's voucher.
