Osho Jokes... (Updated..)

[AtulaSiriwardane]

The whole science of the joke is that it takes you toward a certain height of expectation, step by step, and suddenly there is such a turn that you had never expected. Your whole tension that was gathering explodes into laughter… It will be better to tell you a joke…

´Danny discovers that his wife was cheating with another guy, so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.
"I know what we will do!" she said. "Let us take revenge on them." So they went to a motel and had revenge on them.
She said, "Let us have more revenge."
So they kept having revenge and more revenge. Finally Danny said, "That's enough revenge. I don't have any more hard feelings."

If the end comes in such a way that you were not expecting - you could not have figured out that it will end in such a way - it brings a sudden laughter. It is a release of tension.

OSHO, YES, OSHO, YES. THERE IS NO MORE BOTTLE, NO MORE YOU, NO MORE I, ONLY THIS DRUNKEN JOY THAT MAKES MY TOES CURL IN ECSTASY. BUT, OSHO... WHAT WAS THE JOKE?

Yoga Lalita, the ultimate joke, the only joke....
The official, Riko, once asked Nansen to explain to him the old problem of the goose in the bottle.
"If a man puts a gosling into a bottle," said Riko, "and feeds him until he is full-grown, how can the man get the goose out without killing it or breaking the bottle?"
Nansen gave a great clap with his hands and shouted, "Riko!"
"Yes, Master," said the official with a start.
"See," said Nansen, "the goose is out."
This is the only ultimate joke in existence.
You are enlightened. You are Buddhas -- pretending not to be, pretending to be somebody else. And my whole work here is to expose you.

The cuckoos have become silent, waiting for a few laughs from you. Remember, laughter is one of the ways in which you can disappear. Only laughter remains. ... The cuckoo has started again, calling forth.
Laughter is a mystery. It is better to experience it than to hear someone talk about it. But one becomes curious, "What is laughter?"
Laughter is the most intelligent factor in you.
Buffaloes don't laugh, and if you meet a buffalo laughing you will go mad! Then it will be impossible to bring you to sanity. No animal laughs. Laughter needs a very sensitive intelligence. It means that you can understand the ridiculousness of a certain situation.
What are jokes? They are a very clever arrangement. They take you in a direction logically, rationally, you start expecting that now this is going to happen, this is going to happen... and it goes on happening according to your expectations. Then comes a sudden turn and something happens which you could never have imagined. That brings laughter to you.
It is a very internal process of your rational expectation. If what you were expecting happens, there will be no laugh. But if you see something that you could not have conceived and everything went well up to the end -- and then suddenly something happens that makes you immediately forget all your reason, logic, mind...
Laughter is the only ordinary experience when you are no longer a mind, and I use it to give you glimpses of no-mind, of meditation, of a transcendence of mind. Perhaps I am the first man in the whole history of mankind who has been using jokes as a preparation for meditation. Jesus would not laugh; Buddha will not laugh; Lao Tzu is not heard to have ever laughed... They were serious people, and they were doing serious work!

Audrey and Marilyn, two retired schoolteachers from Chicago, save up all their money to go on safari in Africa.
They are having a wonderful time going through the jungle, when suddenly a huge gorilla swings down out of the trees, sweeps Marilyn into his arms, and disappears.
He takes her back to his cave, and for a week makes love to her all day and night.
Finally, Audrey organizes a rescue party, and Marilyn is saved and rushed to the hospital.
She is treated there for a couple of days and then her friend comes for a visit.
"Oh, Marilyn!" the friend sobs, "what a ghastly experience! How do you feel?"
"How should I feel?" sobs Marilyn, "he never writes, he never calls...!"

One tranquil afternoon in the deep forest, Doobeedoo, the very handsome frog, is preparing to go for a little hop around the pond. He is feeling pretty good about things today, and a little `out there,' so he puts on his flashy new white Yves Saint-Laurent swimsuit.
He goes out and takes in the beautiful morning. The sun is streaming softly through the tall pine trees. Doobeedoo takes a big breath of fresh air and smiles. Then full of life, he says to a passing deer, "I am God!"
He hops on for a while, and when he comes across a family of dragonflies, he puffs out his chest and says, "I am God!"
A little further on, he comes to Doreen the duck. He makes big eyes at her and in a spiritual tone says, "I am God!"
Doreen looks at the frog and says, "What?"
Doobee says again, "I am God!"
"I have been watching you," says Doreen, "and you have been telling that to everyone around the pond. Are you serious, or is it just that flashy white Yves Saint-Laurent swimsuit?"
"I am God!" says Doobee again.
"Enough of your silliness," says the duck. "Away with you, you smart-faced jerk!"
At this, Doobee pulls down his white swimsuit and exposes his machinery.
Doreen looks in amazement and says slowly,
"Oh my God!"

Osho, Take it really seriously

 

[AtulaSiriwardane]

Nasrudin and his Girlfriend

Mulla Nasrudin said to his girlfriend. "What do you say we do something different tonight, for a change?"

"O.K.," she said. "What do you suggest?"

"YOU TRY TO KISS ME," said Nasrudin, "AND I WILL SLAP YOUR FACE!"

 

[AtulaSiriwardane]

"I will bet anyone here that I can fire thirty shots at 200 yards and call each shot correctly without waiting for the marker. Who will wager a ten spot on this?" challenged Mulla Nasrudin in the teahouse.
"I will take you," cried a stranger.
They went immediately to the target range, and the Mulla fired his first shot. "MISS," he calmly and promptly announced.
A second shot, "MISSED," repeated the Mulla.
A third shot. "MISSED," snapped the Mulla.
"Hold on there!" said the stranger. "What are you trying to do? You are not even aiming at the target.
And, you have missed three targets already."
"SIR," said Nasrudin, "I AM SHOOTING FOR THAT TEN SPOT OF YOURS, AND I AM CALLING MY SHOT AS PROMISED."

 

[AtulaSiriwardane]

Spiritually prepared

There is to be a christening party for Paddy and Maureen's new baby, but before the ceremony the priest takes Paddy aside and asks, "Are you prepared for this solemn event?" "I think so," replies the nervous Paddy. "I've got cheese rolls, salad and cake." "No, no," interrupts the priest, "I mean spiritually prepared?"
"Well, I don't know," says Paddy thoughtfully. "Do you think two cases of whiskey are enough?"

 

[AtulaSiriwardane]

"I don't know you and you don't know me."

A woman arrived at a small midwestern town late at night, only to find there wasn't a single hotel room available. "I'm sorry," said the desk clerk, "but the last room we had was just taken by an Italian."

"What number is it?" said the woman in desperation. "Maybe I can work something out with him."
The clerk told her the room and the woman went up and knocked on the door. The Italian let her in.

"Look, mister," she said, "I don't know you and you don't know me, but I need some place to sleep desperately. I won't be any bother, I promise, if you just let me use that little couch over there."

The Italian thought for a minute and then said, "Okay." The woman curled up on the couch and the Italian went back to bed. But the couch was very uncomfortable and after a few minutes the woman tiptoed over to the bed and tapped the Italian's arm. "Look mister," she said, "I don't know you and you don't know me, but that couch is impossible to sleep on. Could I just sleep here, at the edge of the bed?"

"Okay," said the Italian, "use the edge of the bed."

The woman lay down on the bed, but after a few minutes she felt very cold. Again she tapped the Italian.

"Look mister," she said, "I don't know you and you don't know me, but it's very cold out here. Could I just get under the cover with you."

"Okay," said the Italian, "get under the cover."

The woman snuggled under, but the closeness of a male body stirred her and she started to feel a little horny. Again she tapped the Italian.

"Look mister," she said, "I don't know you and you don't know me, but how about having a little party?"

Exasperated, the Italian bolted up in the bed. "Look lady," he hollered, "I don't know you and you don't know me. In the middle of the night, who we gonna invite to a party?"


- A Sudden Clash Of Thunder

 

[AtulaSiriwardane]

Osho Jokes Little Ernie is at the zoo with his teacher, Miss Goodbody, and the entire class. They are touring around when Ernie sees a deer peacefully grazing on some grass."
Ernie, can you tell us the name of that animal?" asks Miss Goodbody, pointing to the deer."Well," says Ernie, "I think it is a... I guess it is a..."
"Let me give you a hint," interrupts Miss Goodbody. "What does your mother call your father every morning?" "Oh, right!" shouts Ernie.
"It is an asshole!"

Little Albert's mother cannot bring herself to tell the little boy that his dog, Laddy, has just been run over by a car and killed.
When Albert comes home from school she talks of other things for a few minutes, but finally, she says, "Albert, listen. Laddy has been run over and killed by an automobile."
"Oh!" says the boy, and goes out to play, whistling.
At dinner, Little Albert asks, "Hey, Mom, where is Laddy?"
"Darling," says his mother, "I told you this afternoon: Laddy has been killed by a car."
Suddenly, Albert bursts into tears.
"But Albert," cries his mother, "when I told you this afternoon, it did not seem to bother you."
"No," sniffs Albert, "it didn't -- because I thought you said Daddy!"

Little Albert's Uncle Tony owns a sex shop and every day after school, Little Albert drops by to visit him.
One afternoon, Albert walks through the door and Uncle Tony says, "Hi, kid. Can you look after the store for a few minutes while I run out to the post office?"
Sure, Uncle," replies Albert, and sets his school things on the counter. Tony leaves and a few minutes later, three nuns walk in.
The nuns are a little embarrassed to see a kid running the store, but they are desperate.
"How much for that big, pink dildo?" whispers the first nun.
"Ten dollars," replies Little Albert, confidently. "Batteries not included."
"I will take it," says the nun, as she is pushed aside by the next nun.
"How much for that huge, bright purple one?" whispers the second nun.
"Twenty dollars," replies Albert. "Batteries not included."
"I will take it sonny," snaps the second nun. "And put it in a plain brown wrapper."
Then the third nun looks around nervously and says, "Sonny, how much for that big black and red plaid one?"
"That one is not for sale," says Albert.
"Come on kid!" snaps the nun. "I will pay any price for that big one."
"Okay, lady," says Albert. "Fifty dollars!"
"I will take it," says the nun, and the three of them leave the shop.
A few minutes later, Uncle Tony comes back from the post office.
"How did it go?" he asks. "Any business?"
"Sure, Uncle Tony," says Little Albert. "Three nuns came in and I sold the first one a dildo for ten dollars. The second nun bought one for twenty dollars. And you won't believe this," continues Albert. "The last nun paid fifty dollars for my thermos bottle!"

A patient in the hospital accidentally has a bowel movement in his bed. Not wanting the nurses to find out, he bundles up the sheet and throws it out of the window.
It lands on Kowalski, who is walking in the street below. After a fierce struggle Kowalski disentangles himself from the sheet and goes into a bar to calm his nerves.
"My god," says the bartender, "you stink!"
"You would too," replies Kowalski, "if you had just beaten the shit out of a ghost."


One day Lupo is walking home when he notices a huge gorilla standing on the roof of his house.
Not knowing what to do about it he looks in the phone book under GORILLA REMOVALS. Then he calls up Kowalski's Get Lost Gorilla Service and explains the situation.
Ten minutes later Kowalski arrives with a banana, a bulldog, a butterfly net, a ladder and a loaded gun.
"Okay," says Kowalski, "it is quite a simple thing. I am gonna throw the banana at the gorilla, and while he is busy eating it, I am gonna climb up the ladder and push him off the roof.
"Then the bulldog is trained to grab him by the nuts, and when the gorilla holds himself in pain, you throw this butterfly net over him."
"Great!" shouts Lupo, with enthusiasm.
"But what about the gun?"
"Well," explains Kowalski, "if I miss the gorilla and fall off the roof myself, you shoot the dog!"

It is a few nights after Christmas. The door of the stable creaks open and three wise men enter.
They are tiptoeing quietly across to the manger when one of them steps into a huge pile of donkey shit.
Looking down at his ruined golden slipper, the wise man clenches his teeth and mutters, "Jesus Christ!"
Mary looks from her baby to her husband, "Hey! Joe!" she says, "that's a much better name than Albert!"

-The Pope arrives at New Delhi airport, on the first leg of his ten-million-dollar Catholic mission to the East.
He steps off the plane and immediately falls to his knees weeping, and then kisses the runway.
Cardinal Singh, the head of the Indian Catholic church, rushes up to the Pope and helps him to his feet.
"My goodness, Holy Father!" cries the cardinal. "Why did you do that?"
"Well," says the Pope, wiping his lips, and drying his eyes. "Have you ever flown Air India?"

Father Fumble is giving confession one day, when Seamus comes in and tells him that he has been having an affair.
"I see," says Fumble, "but I cannot bless you until you tell me the woman's name."
"Okay, Father," replies Seamus. "She's the most gorgeous blonde you have ever seen -- and her name is Pussy Green."
The next Sunday, Father Fumble is getting ready for mass when a stunning blonde in a tiny skirt wiggles down the aisle to the front seats.
Father Fumble fumbles for his glasses, slips them on, and takes a good look at her.
"Is that Pussy Green?" he whispers to little Albert, the choir boy.
Albert looks hard this way and that.
"No, Father," he replies, "I think it is just the reflection from the stained-glass windows."

Loony Larry is wobbling home from the pub along the railway tracks. It is a fullmoon night, and Larry is well plastered with rum.
All of a sudden, he trips over a human leg lying on the tracks. He picks himself up, rubs his eyes in disbelief, and staggers on.
A few minutes later, he stumbles over another leg lying on the tracks. Next, he comes across an arm. By now, Looney Larry has become really interested, and when he sees a body, he stops to have a good look at it.
Walking around the body, he scratches his chin, and mumbles to himself, "That coat looks rather familiar! I wonder if it is..." But just then, he steps backwards and falls over a head.
He stares in drunken shock at the head, recognizing the face of his friend, Harry. Then, Larry sees an ear lying on the ground a few feet away. He crawls over to the ear, picks it up, and shouts into it, "Harry! Harry! Are you alright?"

 

[thilzz]

hehe..some fine jokes thr!! thnx

 

[Achira44]

ELAKIRI wAgE

 

[jayanthah]

Ela............thanx