I'm in love with my best friend, and it’s quietly destroying me.
Serious replies onlyHi everyone,
I'm a guy in love with my best friend (also a guy) and he has no idea that I'm into boys nor Im in luv with him.
He’s straight. We’ve known each other for about 5 years now, and from the very first day we met, I felt something strong for him. At first, I thought it was just a crush. But over time, it grew deeper. Now it feels like he's woven into every part of me my thoughts, my days, my mood, even my sense of who I am.
The hardest part? He sees me as his best friend and that’s all I’ll ever be.
I haven’t told him I’m gay. I haven’t told him I’m in love with him. I’m too scared to risk our friendship, or make him uncomfortable, or lose what little I do have with him. So I keep it all inside. Every hug, every joke, every time he talks about girls I just smile and hide how badly it hurts.
Lately, it’s getting worse. My happiness depends on him. If he replies late or acts a little distant, I break down. I can’t focus on work or studies. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I smoke just to distract myself from the pain. I spend hours just thinking about him what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, if he’ll ever see me the way I see him. I know he won’t. But the heart doesn’t listen to logic.
It’s been fiveI'm in love with my best friend, and it’s quietly destroying me. years, and I still love him like I did on day one maybe even more.
I don’t know how to let go. I want to move on. I need to. But I don’t know how to stop loving someone who never even loved me that way in the first place.
I’m tired of hurting quietly. I’m tired of waiting for a message, or for his attention, like it’s oxygen.
I guess I’m just writing this because… I need help. If you’ve ever been in love with someone who couldn’t love you back how did you survive it? How did you move on from someone who never truly broke your heart, because they never even had the chance to hold it?
Ps: I get that a lot of people are telling me to just cut him off.. but here's why I can't do that.
He's part of my friend group. We're really close all of us. And honestly, this group means a lot to me. They’re like the best friends I’ve ever had. They all love me I think it’s because I’m the kind of guy who’s always there. I don’t backstab, I don’t talk behind anyone’s back, I’m just someone they can count on for anything, anytime. That’s who I am.
If I ghost him, I’d basically have to ghost everyone in the group. Because they’re all together all the time. That’s how close we all are.
Also, none of them know I’m gay. And to be honest, most of them are probably homophobic. But still I don’t want to leave. I don’t like being in LGBTQ communities or spaces. I just want to have normal friends, and these are the only people I’ve found who treat me like family, even if they don’t know everything about me.
So no, I can’t just disappear from him because disappearing from him means disappearing from all of them. And I’m not ready to lose my entire circle just because I’m hurting inside.
That’s why I’m here asking for help because walking away isn't an option for me right now. I want to figure out how to live with this pain and slowly heal without losing everything else too.
I’m desperate for peace. For clarity. For some kind of way forward. Thank you for reading.
