I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social
deal,
and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men do not even think about selecting
gifts
until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing
calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products,
socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think
this
would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me
it's an
enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making
burden.) On
this count alone, I am convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a
man,
everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a
rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First, there
would be
no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to
the rear
bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,desperate claims that buck season
had been
extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he would still have
transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact
that
there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob
Vila-like
Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would
also
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get
under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright
90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all
those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
jest, as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
to
pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men.........
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. -
Definite
guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But
not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will,
peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas
Song," it
probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
Askky
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social
deal,
and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men do not even think about selecting
gifts
until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing
calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products,
socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think
this
would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me
it's an
enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making
burden.) On
this count alone, I am convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a
man,
everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a
rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First, there
would be
no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to
the rear
bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,desperate claims that buck season
had been
extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he would still have
transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact
that
there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob
Vila-like
Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would
also
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get
under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright
90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all
those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
jest, as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
to
pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men.........
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. -
Definite
guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But
not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will,
peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas
Song," it
probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
Askky
