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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser. The bartender asks "whoa, buddy. What're we
celebrating?" The man replies "I just had my first blow-job".
The bartender smiles and says " well, congratulations. Let me get you another shot on the house!"
The man replies "If 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser don't get the taste out of my mouth, NOTHING will".
celebrating?" The man replies "I just had my first blow-job".
The bartender smiles and says " well, congratulations. Let me get you another shot on the house!"
The man replies "If 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser don't get the taste out of my mouth, NOTHING will".
One day there was a 14 year old girl in a nice short skirt. A boy about 16 walked up to her and said, "I bet you can’t climb that tree".
The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch".
The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your knickers".
The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your knickers".
The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one.
The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy.
The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your knickers again".
The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any ".
The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch".
The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your knickers".
The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your knickers".
The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one.
The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy.
The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your knickers again".
The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any ".
A young man had met a nice young woman. They both liked each other and thought the time was right.
Both of them got nak*d and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his d*ck in he waited. Meanwhile his d*ck was having a conversation with his balls.
D*ck: OK lads we are going to a party tonight.
1st Ball: You mean you are.
D*ick: What do you mean, you’re invited too.
2nd Ball: Yeh, but you always leave us outside knocking
Both of them got nak*d and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his d*ck in he waited. Meanwhile his d*ck was having a conversation with his balls.
D*ck: OK lads we are going to a party tonight.
1st Ball: You mean you are.
D*ick: What do you mean, you’re invited too.
2nd Ball: Yeh, but you always leave us outside knocking
A Canadian walks into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve Canadians in this bar."
"But I'm really thirsty," the Canadian replied. "I'll do anything for a beer!"
"Okay," says the bartender,"if you can do three things, I'll get you a beer."
"First," says the bartender,"do you see that big guy standing by the door? 6'5", 275 pound ex-NFL linebacker who got thrown out of the league for being too mean and nasty? You gotta knock him out cold and drag him out of the bar. That's number one."
"Number two. Back in the kitchen we got this Doberman Pinscher. He's mean, he's nasty, he's vicious, he's hungry, and he's got a bad tooth. You gotta remove his bad tooth. That's number two."
"Number three. Upstairs we got a 70-year-old, 300 pound hooker. You gotta screw her until she climaxes three times. That's number three."
"I'll do it!" screams the Canadian. "What's first?"
"First is the big guy by the door."
The Canadian leaps to his feet and runs headfirst into the huge man. The two of them are rolling on the floor with fists and blood flying everywhere. Finally, the Canadian smashes a chair over his head and drags him from the bar.
Panting and bleeding, he askes the bartender, "Okay, what's next?"
"Number two is the dog in the kitchen."
The Canadian runs into the kitchen. The bartender hears barking, yelling, snarling, screaming, and jaws snapping, followed by a long, painful howling that obviously came from the dog.
The Canadian runs out of the bar, his clothes all ripped and filthy, and says to the bartender, "Okay, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"
"But I'm really thirsty," the Canadian replied. "I'll do anything for a beer!"
"Okay," says the bartender,"if you can do three things, I'll get you a beer."
"First," says the bartender,"do you see that big guy standing by the door? 6'5", 275 pound ex-NFL linebacker who got thrown out of the league for being too mean and nasty? You gotta knock him out cold and drag him out of the bar. That's number one."
"Number two. Back in the kitchen we got this Doberman Pinscher. He's mean, he's nasty, he's vicious, he's hungry, and he's got a bad tooth. You gotta remove his bad tooth. That's number two."
"Number three. Upstairs we got a 70-year-old, 300 pound hooker. You gotta screw her until she climaxes three times. That's number three."
"I'll do it!" screams the Canadian. "What's first?"
"First is the big guy by the door."
The Canadian leaps to his feet and runs headfirst into the huge man. The two of them are rolling on the floor with fists and blood flying everywhere. Finally, the Canadian smashes a chair over his head and drags him from the bar.
Panting and bleeding, he askes the bartender, "Okay, what's next?"
"Number two is the dog in the kitchen."
The Canadian runs into the kitchen. The bartender hears barking, yelling, snarling, screaming, and jaws snapping, followed by a long, painful howling that obviously came from the dog.
The Canadian runs out of the bar, his clothes all ripped and filthy, and says to the bartender, "Okay, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"
thanks brofazaal24 said:Maxxaaa Collections
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up
her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized
“Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo,
Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'P***S' (in tiny letters) on the
blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word
off and began class. The next day, the word 'P***S' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the
second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the
words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word
off and began class. The next day, the word 'P***S' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the
second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the
words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
a guy got seperated from civilization one day and was stranded in a forest for 3 months. One day came on to this big house in the middle of
the forest. Not thinking why a house was there he ran up to the door and rang the doorbell. a small chinese man answered the door and the man said, "Thank God!!! ive been stranded in this forest for months, please sir would you be kind enough to feed me and let me stay here." The chinese man thought for a while and said, " Yes you may stay here, but under one condition, you do not touch my daughter. If you do you will suffer the three chinese punishments." The man agreed and entered the house.
Later that night at dinner the man saw the chinese man’s daughter and was amazed at the daughters beauty. That night the man couldnt get the daughter out of his mind so he said to himself, " how is the chinese man gonna know i touched his daughter, ill go in get some and come back to my room." after being satisfied the man went to his room and slept. the next morning the man wakes up and finds a large rock on his chest with a piece a paper that
read:1st chinese punishment, Big Rock On Chest. "these are the punishments" the man said to himself, "this is nothing." he picked up the rock and head toward the window, he threw the rock out the window, but just before he
threw the rock he saw a note on the bottom of it and it read: 2nd chinese punishment, Left ball tied to rock. thinking fast the man jumped out the window, but just before he jumped he saw a note on the window seal, it read: 3rd chinese punishment, Right ball tied to window seal.
the forest. Not thinking why a house was there he ran up to the door and rang the doorbell. a small chinese man answered the door and the man said, "Thank God!!! ive been stranded in this forest for months, please sir would you be kind enough to feed me and let me stay here." The chinese man thought for a while and said, " Yes you may stay here, but under one condition, you do not touch my daughter. If you do you will suffer the three chinese punishments." The man agreed and entered the house.
Later that night at dinner the man saw the chinese man’s daughter and was amazed at the daughters beauty. That night the man couldnt get the daughter out of his mind so he said to himself, " how is the chinese man gonna know i touched his daughter, ill go in get some and come back to my room." after being satisfied the man went to his room and slept. the next morning the man wakes up and finds a large rock on his chest with a piece a paper that
read:1st chinese punishment, Big Rock On Chest. "these are the punishments" the man said to himself, "this is nothing." he picked up the rock and head toward the window, he threw the rock out the window, but just before he
threw the rock he saw a note on the bottom of it and it read: 2nd chinese punishment, Left ball tied to rock. thinking fast the man jumped out the window, but just before he jumped he saw a note on the window seal, it read: 3rd chinese punishment, Right ball tied to window seal.
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse
a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without
a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without
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