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KUDOS UTOPIA'S JOKE ZONE
- Thread starter kudos_utopia
- Start date
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
This one?????
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,
"See honey - its not that hard."
****The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,
"See honey - its not that hard."
A dirty one
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"
>>>>>
A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during
intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.
She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.
After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know
professionally."
Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"
A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during
intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.
She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.
After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know
professionally."
Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"
>>>
A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during
intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.
She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.
After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know
professionally."
Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"
A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during
intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.
She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.
After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know
professionally."
Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"
>>>
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the
heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and
decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As
we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed
a little sign by the side of the track. I tried
to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make
it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round
again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see
what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read
that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached
the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the
heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and
decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As
we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed
a little sign by the side of the track. I tried
to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make
it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round
again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see
what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read
that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached
the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
>>>
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the
letter "R," and all the other kids were, of course,
teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave
him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard
a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to
recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of them
already laughing at him -- then replied, "Bob gave Dick
a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the
letter "R," and all the other kids were, of course,
teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave
him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard
a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to
recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of them
already laughing at him -- then replied, "Bob gave Dick
a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."
>>>>
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
>>>
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to
the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and
coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing
of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed
'bored'."
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to
the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and
coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing
of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed
'bored'."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking
a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She
had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair
of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next
day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the
same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties
on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking
a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She
had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair
of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next
day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the
same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties
on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.
____________________
On their wedding night the husband was so self - conscious
about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he
snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his
pants and handed his member to his bride.
"That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light
if you want to write thank-you notes ."
On their wedding night the husband was so self - conscious
about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he
snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his
pants and handed his member to his bride.
"That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light
if you want to write thank-you notes ."
--------------------------------------------
A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.
Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want
to name them without him seeing them first. But
the hospital insists that the babies must be
named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie
overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to
the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the
happy couple are set to name the babies when a
nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took
care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and
doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he
pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl
Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.
And how about the boy?" "Denephew."
A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.
Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want
to name them without him seeing them first. But
the hospital insists that the babies must be
named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie
overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to
the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the
happy couple are set to name the babies when a
nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took
care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and
doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he
pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl
Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.
And how about the boy?" "Denephew."
*************************
What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
A bull smiles when you milk it.
What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
A bull smiles when you milk it.
>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<
An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots
of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a
surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where
the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and
immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of
him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes
of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:
"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is
a gynecologist!"
An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots
of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a
surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where
the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and
immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of
him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes
of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:
"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is
a gynecologist!"
--------------------------------------
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford
a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting
a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about
to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer
can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb
and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand...
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford
a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting
a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about
to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer
can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb
and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand...
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