KUDOS UTOPIA'S JOKE ZONE

[kudos_utopia]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Star Wars Christmas

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats... light sabers drawn and sparks flying.

Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach,

"How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"

Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "The force is with me... I felt your presents."

 

[kudos_utopia]

>>>>>>>>>>

Children's X-Mas Carols

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols.

She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:


Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (All of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

 

[kudos_utopia]

~ Computer Jokes ~​

 

[kudos_utopia]

Signs you spend too much time with your e-mail

Your children are named Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word processor. COM

You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it.​

 

[kudos_utopia]

The Smoking Power Supply

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as COSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It is still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]

Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....​

 

[kudos_utopia]

Software Development Cycle

Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.

1 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2 Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3 Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4 Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5 See 3.

6 See 4.

7 See 5.

8 See 6.

9 See 7.

10 See 8.

11 Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

12 Users find 137 new bugs.

13 Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

14 Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

15 Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

16 Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

17 New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

18 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.​

 

[kudos_utopia]

Right Click

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."​

 

[kudos_utopia]

Right Click

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."​

dammata danui keewwe......patta

 

[Michael]

Right Click

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."​

hapoi meh wage nambek

 

[kudos_utopia]

Answering machine message 33

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.

 

[kudos_utopia]

Answering machine message 34

If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...

 

[kudos_utopia]

Answering machine message 37

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

 

[kudos_utopia]

Answering machine message 38

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

 

[kudos_utopia]

Answering machine message 39

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

 

[kudos_utopia]

Answering machine message 42

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

 

[kudos_utopia]

Freshmen versus seniors

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

 

[kudos_utopia]

BLONDE JOKES :

 

[kudos_utopia]

Do you realize what I am?

A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

 

[kudos_utopia]

Your kid has been kidnapped

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

 

[nelik]

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